Show Us Jerry Jones

New York, NY--NFL can't get enough of Jerry Jones. Fans chant for Jerry Jones. TV cameras just love the old man and love seeing him in his luxury box living it up.

"It is important to see Jerry Jones celebrating anything the Cowboys do," an NFL fan dressed in Fox Network gear said.

Jerry Jones isn't a coach, but he is the GM and owner that gets more air time than some of his players.

"Cole Beasley just scored, cut to Jerry," a Cowboys fan shouted at his tv.

Detective Colborn Caught Planting Evidence

Manitowoc, WI--Retired Detective Colborn was caught planting evidence that he is suing Netflix and the makers of Making a Murder.

"I just can't take it that people think I am a crooked cop. They say mean things about me. I just had to make sure that the truth was found out and the opinions of millions of people are changed." Colbron told reporters. He became very emotional and wrestled the podium to the ground and Halbach's other key appeared on the floor.

Ken Kratz held a press conference to show his support of Colborn and to remind people that his book is a good stocking stuffer. Sure, he forgot to invite Colborn to the press conference, but that goes more to the character of Mr. Kratz.

Kratz played out the story of how Colborn, a good cop, just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Kratz added that Colborn didn't do anything illegal or unethical by being at the crime scene. 

After the press conference, Kratz was too busy texting to take questions.

Powell Doesn't Play the Market

New York, NY--Jerome Powell raised interest rates to 2.25% and 2.5% because he feels the economy shows no signs of slowing down.

"Man does the economy look great," Powell told reporters. He didn't offer any proof for these statements.

When asked about the stock market taking big hits because of increasing interest rates, Powell responded with, "I don't invest in the stock market because I don't believe in gambling. I am more of a venture capitalist."

Scott Walker Using Unused Vacation Days

Madison, WI--Scott Walker is using some unused vacation days before his term ends. It came to his knowledge that he still had vacation days to use.

"Despite all the hype and hysteria of me working until the end of my term, these vacations do nothing to fundamentally change my previous statements." Scott Walker told reporters.

Scott Walker worked tirelessly for the taxpayers for Wisconsin by saving them about $50 on their property tax bills, and that is about it.

"My criteria when evaluating vacation days was simple: Do they improve my health? Do they increase my productivity? Do they affirm my stability? And do they protect taxpayers? The answer is yes." Governor Walker told reporters.

Retired Detective Colborn Sues to Get Truth

Manitowoc, WI--Detective Colbron, salt of the earth, is suing to get his name cleared.

Colborn's lawyer, Michael Griesbach, said of Colborn, "His reputation and that of Manitowoc County, itself, has been severely and unjustly defamed. He is filing this lawsuit to set the record straight and to restore his good name."

It is clear that this lawsuit will make everyone think twice about Colborn and realize what a great guy he is and not the clown portrayed in the documentary. Sure, he did nothing when it came to Steven Avery sitting in jail the first time and he maybe forgot to file paperwork on the phone call from Brown County. But his character really took a hit when the documentary showed him answering questions about the license plate.

Don't forget Colborn's Oscar-worthy performance when finding the key that had only Steven Avery's DNA on it. Oh, that man fought the great beast of a nightstand, while his adult supervision was playing with himself on the bed, and produced a key that was hiding behind the nightstand and was only discovered by great police work and six searches of the trailer.

But the gun and the bullet that proved Avery did it, according to Colborn. The bullet came from the gun, but there is no proof Avery fired the gun. There is that bullet with DNA but no blood in the garage. There is deer blood but no human blood, except on the bullet hiding in the shadows of the garage.

A good detective would question Hallbach's boyfriend, the ex-boyfriend, and brother about the missing messages. But they knew they had their man when Avery became the only suspect.

"I just want my name cleared," Colborn said.

Great Scott Using Venn Diagram

Green Bay, WI--Scott Walker relied on a Venn diagram to make his point that the bill he signed is what the voters of Wisconsin asked for four years ago, he was just too busy running for president in 2016 to get around to it until now. , 

"I'm going to work for the state until my term is up. Sure, if I would of become president in 2016 that would be a different story, but I'm not bitter." Scott Walker told his supporters.

Nobody loves smaller government more than a bunch of career politicians mooching off the taxpayers of Wisconsin because they sure seem worried about a job agency that has a record of being a phony and waste of taxpayer dollars, so they are doing everything in their power to make sure more taxpayer money is wasted on companies not creating jobs.

"In the year 2043, the state will see a great return on the money we handed out to Foxconn and people will thank me for having the courage to make sure small government subsidies big business. Can I get a big 'Thank You' from the crowd?" Scott Walker so elegantly spoke into his microphone.

The crowd just rose to their feet after hearing the pure political speak from the man they thought might become president. Old men wept, young men wept, but no women wept because of Republican rules barring women from attending the meeting.

In an orchestrated career politician moment, Scott Walker signed the Venn diagram and threw it into the crowd.

"Man, he knows how to go out in style," Scott Walker muttered to himself.

Scott Walker Lectures Sons on Power Grab

Madison, WI--Scott Walker just can't turn off the political speak as he lectured his son on the beauty of the power grab.

"When you lose, sons, go out swinging. Take everything you can and make it harder for the next guy. That is the right thing to do," Scott Walker told his sons.

The lecture came after his son questioned the ethics of his father's decision to back the power grab.

"Gee, shucks, dad, didn't you tell us to be gracious and Christlike when it comes to our actions? What is up with you doing the opposite?" Alex Walker asked his dad.

Governor Walker continued to explain to his sons the reasons for doing it and how it will help him when he runs for governor is 2022.

"Evers doesn't stand a chance and now I positioned myself so I can run a campaign in 2022 that promises to restore the powers I stripped away from the governor and attorney general."

At press time, Walker's sons had left the room but he was still lecturing on all the reasons for being in favor of the power grab.

Trump Met With Yogurt

Washington--Donald Trump met with Yogurt to see if the two could come up with a way to market more 45 merchandise. President Trump is trying to come with new ways to make more money selling goods that have 45 on them because of his rising lawyer fees.

"I feel the meeting was very productive," Trump told reporters.

There were whispers that Trump might ask Yogurt to replace John Kelly as White House Chief of Staff, but Trump would not comment on any questions dealing with the soon to be vacant position. He just kept saying he thought 'Yogurt is a great man' and rushed away.

Yogurt is considered a marketing genius and Trump looks like he is reaching for anything that could help him sell more items.

Nation Can't Get Enough of Jerry Jones

New York, NY--If there is a Dallas Cowboy game being played there is going to be a demand to see Jerry Jones as much as possible.

"As a Dallas Cowboys' fan, I want to see Jerry Jones reaction to every play on the field. I love watching him celebrate. I also love how it makes me glad I have a rich owner that knows how to enjoy an NFL game." Jimmy Janus told reporters.

The NFL cameras love Jerry. They show him doing everything from standing on the field to sitting his luxury box. He has more airtime than his head coach. The flow of the game might be impeded, but people want to see Jerry.

"Fans want to see Jerry, we know this from the market research we do." Rodger Goodell told an empty room.

Most NFL fans block out Jerry Jones or change the channel when they feel the cameras will cut to Mr. Jones. After years of seeing Mr. Jones, an NFL has a 99.9% of predicting when the cameras will cut away from the game to show Jones.

"I don't understand why any fan wants to see the person responsible for the growing ticket prices or even care about what the owner is doing. Fans want to see the game, not the owners. I wonder if Jerry pays money to be shown on TV?" Bert Homberger told reporters gathered outside his Minneapolis home.

As long as there are televised Dallas Cowboys games, there will be images of Jerry Jones shown somewhere during the game because the NFL knows what their fans want.

Scott Walker Uses Man-Child As Human Shield

Madison, WI--Scott Walker tried to use a human shield to protect himself from the criticism for playing politics with the laws of Wisconsin.

"It is shocking that a man that is known for his integrity and goodwill would use a man-child as a human shield," Paul Fitzgerald a retired government employee told reporters gathering in the capital rotunda.

Scott Walker got heckled as he helped flip the switch to the state Christmas tree.

But unlike years ago when Governor Walker got heckled, he grabbed a man-child and tried to use him as a human shield.

"You brutes," Scott Walker yelled at the protestors, as he held the man-child up with the hopes the protestors would stop. He failed to realize the man-child was Robin Vos, so the crowd only grew more vociferous.

The governor did eventually slip down a secret passageway and took to Twitter to complain about all the heckling.

"I hope you protestors get coal in your socks this Christmas." Walker tweeted. "I'm just doing what I said I would do eight years ago."

Wisconsin Republicans Just Realized Governor Has Too Much Power

Madison, WI--Republicans in the state legislature just realized the governor has too much power. It only took them ten years to get to work and change it. The move has nothing to do with the perceived fear of a Democrat shrinking government by getting rid of a department that isn't needed.

State Assembly Leader Robin Vos said, "We have allowed far too much authority to flow to the executive. To you, this is all about politics. To me, it's about the institution."

The institution sounds like a nice catchphrase for a place were people panic and do things that are borderline unethical.

Walker and Republicans Flip-Flop on Lame Duck Session

Republicans in Madison, WI realized they still had a couple weeks to wreck the economy of Wisconsin.

"Oh, these changes to the rules were something we planned on doing but never got around to, and it wasn't until I looked at some of the news stories from the 2010 election when Scott Walker said the state should take away some of the powers of the governor and attorney general, so we are now trying to pass these rules changes in a shady way." Robin Vos told reporters.

Aaron Rodgers Celebrates in Mike McCarthy's Empty Parking Spot

Aaron Rodgers was caught celebrating in his old coach's parking spot. Sure, he seemed a little sad he got his coach fired, but once the music started playing, well, Rodgers lost it and did his "Championship Belt" move.

The domesticated Rodgers lost his championship edge and pouted like a little baby this year. He gave up short passes for in the dirt passes. But mostly he played like someone in their forties.

Rodgers did tell reporters that he plans on not playing well if the Packers don't ask him for his opinions on who should be the next head coach of the Green Bay Packers."This team goes where I go," Rodgers said. "What are they going to do, cut me? I f@#king doubt it."

GM Quits Making Lemons

New York, NY--General Motors announced that they are done making lemons for a little bit because they can't make enough money to support their CEO's salary.

"We are going with a sound business strategy of our competitor Ford Motor Company and quitting the car business because it is about time we admit we make crummy cars," General Motor's CEO Mary Barra told reporters.

General Motors also admitted that in the short term this plan is solid, but once gas prices go up and the consumers stop buying SUVs that they hope the government will come to their rescue again.

"This plan is solid for my stock options, so I am sticking with it. In the long run, well, I will be retired and not a care in the world," Mar Barra added.

Reporters did ask her why she thought it made good business sense to make only expensive vehicles and she didn't seem to understand the question.

Mike McCarthy Spends Monday Night Updating Resume

Green Bay, WI--Mike McCarthy spent his Monday night updating his resume. He took a little break from watching game film and decided it wouldn't hurt to pad his resume. In the past, McCarthy managed to pull off a winning season, but after last year when he stuck with Hudley the Super Bowl-winning coach looked like a fool. This season he can't seem to find a play in the playbook that works in the second half.

The coach did place a call to his old boss for a reference but is still waiting for Ted Thompson to call him back.

Coach McCarthy trying to think of action verb for this season. 

Mike McCarthy Just Mailing It In This Season

Green Bay, WI--Coach Mike McCarthy is just taking it easy and saving all his best play calling for the new team he hopes to coach next year.

"Sure, I have a great quarterback, but that just isn't enough for me. I want more challenges and I just don't think it is going to happen in Green Bay," Mike McCarthy told reporters. "I know I have to say the right things that look like I care, but let us be honest, I'm just mailing it in until the Packers finally fire me."

The Packers are on a losing streak and look like a bad team. The coach can't stop his team from making mental mistakes, and the play calling on offense looks like the play calling of a coach who hasn't a care in his life.

It isn't clear when the Packers will fire Mike McCarthy but it is clear that the longer they wait the more the coach seems to make the joke of the coaching profession, and it is so obvious that this is the year the Packers might actually make a change at head coach.

Mike McCarthy Leaving Green Bay

King Kohler

Unemployed Scott Walker Cartoon

Another Scott Walker Cartoon

Goodbye, Air Walker Cartoon

Cartoon

Booing Pete Davidson

New York, NY--Pete Davidson is depressed and taking it out on anyone and everyone. He is depressed because someone famous dumped his talentless dumbass. All Pete does is read a script and even then he giggles through the punchlines. His bosses at NBC want the public to ignore their violent employee Alec Baldwin, so they distract attention away from the criminals and make fun of the war heroes.

Pete Davidson's joke about Dan Crenshaw tanked when poor Pete couldn't focus because he is still dealing with the fact he once dated someone famous and she would rather be by herself than be with someone that makes their living by reading cue cards.

Yes, the joke wasn't very good and people are upset, but for most of the public that sees a once funny institution crumbling to the ground. SNL used to be funny, but the show just can't seem to adapt to the changing landscape of a genre they once dominated when they actually hired funny people. Now they just hire violent people like Alec Balwin.

SNL doesn't seem too worried that their show sticks and they don't seem to think anything they do is really more than a political cheap shot taken by a bunch of liberal zealots.

Great Scott Walker Cartoon

Great Scott Walker Loves Creating Numbers

Madison, WI--Great Scott Walker loves creating numbers. He loves creating the numbers used to attack his opponent Tony Evers.

Great Scott Walker hasn't created the number of jobs he promised, but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to more people working in the state. Why should we want Great Scott Walker to keep his promises?

Great Scott Walker loves to tout the fact he didn't raise property taxes, but most counties have added extra taxes or fees to make up money they aren't getting from property taxes. Don't forget that property values dropped in the state, but tax bills never matched the percentage drop of the home value. Why would we want Great Scott Walker to be honest?

Great Scott Walker loves to say Tony Evers is going to raise the gas tax a dollar, but Tony Evers never said such a thing, but that doesn't stop Great Scott Walker from making such claims in his negative ads. Why would we want Great Scott Walker to fix our roads because he is too busy taking the state plane for his daily commute?

Great Scott Walker will continue throwing mud because he doesn't know what it is like to run a company or run a state.

Trump Visits Wisconsin

Facebook Still Creepy

New York, NY--Facebook still gives many people the creeps, and they worry Mark Zuckerberg is watching all their moves from a bunker he shares with Dick Cheney. Instead of offering candy and driving a creepy van. Mr. Zuckerberg offers unsuspecting victims a platform that appeals to their own vanity and the chance to relive their high school years where users want constant approval.

Pope Still Blaming Women

Vatican--The Pope is calling women evil again, and this comes after he spent all night moving pedophilia priest around the world.

"It was a rough night, but I managed to get some dangerous people to different locations without the public knowing about it. Should the public be worried? Nah. They should be worried about women getting abortions." Pope Francis told reporters. "These women only care about themselves and not the future offering givers of the Church."

The Pope is high on himself and pushing the anti-woman agenda that appeals to the conservative branch of the church. This conservative branch is the branch that brought you homophobic priest touching little children.

The women of the world just sighed and said they had better thing to do than comment on the babblings of an old man that wears dresses and likes to think he is St. Peter.

Kavanaugh Shows Up a Little Hungover

Washington D.C.--Brett Kavanaugh showed up for his first day on the job a little hungover. His first question on the job was if 'anyone had aspirin?' when the session started on Tuesday morning. He also said 'damn, I love beer.' as he talked to himself.

Union Jobs Now Lowest Paying in County

Madison, WI--Union jobs are now the lowest paying jobs, if you take in account your union dues and other fees taken from your check.

"The unions are working for you," a union official told reporters gathered outside the luxurious office space owned by the union.

The unions claim they work hard to get living wages and benefits that help families survive in a global economy. They also claim that their members enjoy extra benefits that are so many that they weren't even going to waste time listing them.

"I like a job where everyone gets paid the same. I love it that the union gives me a free calendar at Christmas time and a free t-shirt. Wow, the benefits of union membership is the best. Sure, I make less money, but at least I am a member of a group that cares about raising money for political causes." a union member said.

The union blames the liberal media for not selling the benefits of a group that uses members money to support political parties. They also blame corporations for always claiming they will move overseas if the unions ask for too much money.

Herbert Kohler Looking for Government Handout

Kohler, WI--Herbert Kohler is looking for a government handout to help subsidize the union wages he pays to workers in his engine plant. The move is to guarantee that all taxes are paid by the employees and not the owner.

"I'm just a poor fat man that is barely eeking out a living due to the demands of employees that ask for too many things when it comes to wages and healthcare. I just can't afford my ten mansions. It also makes it harder for me to steal county land because I can't grease the local politicians with gifts," Herbert Kohler told reporters gathered outside his belltower office.

Kohler is still struggling to make it in the world of business. His Ivy League education just didn't give him the skills to keep a global business going. The poor fat man just doesn't know what he can do without a government handout. He already took a government handout in other cities throughout the United States and can't understand why Sheboygan County won't give him more money.

"Taxes are killing me. I don't have the exact figure but taxes are preventing me from creating better-paying jobs," Herbert Kohler told reporters.

Sheboygan County wasn't aware that Kohler was suffering. They still don't understand how a man that stuck it to his union employees is struggling to make it, but they figure he is handicapped by his Ivy League education and lack of branches on his family tree.

Hillary Clinton Hopes to Cash In on Likeable Loser Image

New York, NY--Hillary Clinton is planning on cashing in on her likable loser persona that she is flaunting lately. On the speaking tour, she is a hit with people that like to blame others for their problems, so she is charging premium dollars to speak about what it is like to lose the presidency to a crazy man.

Because she doesn't trust Bill she is dragging the poor man along with her. This way she can keep a good eye on the guy and plus people actually like to hear him speak about what it is like to be a winner. Bill is the yin to Hillary's yang.

If you want to see the loveable couple make sure you have about $745 to spend on the good seats. Just remember they are hurting for cash and need your help.

Limo Deaths Show Regulations Don't Work

Washington D.C--The tragic limo deaths that occurred this weekend that it isn't safe to be a passenger in a vehicle that fails government inspections.

Prestige Limousine of Gansevoort, NY had a couple cars pulled from the road for violations but the government didn't feel like shutting down the company or pulling their license is just another example how regulations just don't save lives.

"The government did its part by putting regulations in place to prevent accidents, but they just didn't think that there should pull the license of a company that couldn't pass any inspections," a spokesman for the governor told reporters.

The tragedy might have been prevented, but it is clear the regulations just don't work.

Kohler Announces Big Plans for Factory

Kohler, WI--Kohler Company announced today that they will shudder their union factories in Kohler to turn them into the world's largest minigolf course.

The proposed minigolf course will be the only minigolf course in the United States that has par five holes. It will be the first of its kind course that uses antiquated factories to increase the difficulty of a family friendly game.

"It was just too expensive to operate the facilities in Kohler, so we are taking bold action and creating a golf course that everyone can enjoy. Each building will offer players new challenges and difficulties." Herbert Kohler told reporters gathered outside the prison looking factories located in Sheboygan County.

The price of a game will be an affordable $135 to experience the history and beauty of factories that couldn't be saved by taxpayer money.

Kohler said that he hopes to open the mini golf courses by Thanksgiving, so the people staying at the American Club can enjoy doing something original in a setting that is above average.

Scientist Saying It Doesn't Look Good for Earth

New York, NY--Scientist say it doesn't look good for the earth right now, but they are confident the earth can pull it together and make mankind proud.

"The earth has faced a lot, and it struggled through climate changes caused by meteorites, volcanoes, and an ice age, but pulled it together. But this time it doesn't look good because we don't know how it ends," an unnamed liberal scientist told reporters.

Scientists feel that mankind is burning too much fossil fuels and should cease to exist if we are to survive. 

"This is the last warning, for the sake of god, please stop driving your fossil fuel burning car, quit your job, and stop everything that makes the earth want to give up and die," the unnamed liberal scientist added.

Fantasy Football Team Doing Nothing Important

New York, NY--Jarred's fantasy football isn't doing anything but losing, but he isn't sure if it is too early to fire himself.

"I prepared this year. I bought a fantasy football draft magazine and ended up picking the last place team. After five weeks of straight loses, I have nothing left to play for, so I am just going to leave my roster the way it is." Jarred told reporters in his parents' basement.

Jarred pick some sure winners when he picked the Vikings' defense, and other sure picks that his magazine taunted as sure winners.

He is in last place and is taking to social media to mock the magazine as a hack job.

(Disclosure: The fantasy football magazine in question advertises a lot on this website so we won't name it.)

Taylor Swift Political Statement

New York, NY--Taylor Swift is getting political because she feels she is grown up and able to say what she thinks when it comes to politics. It is just shocking that someone of her stature would take a real stand against something other than bad breakups. She hopes to channel her new found voice into some of her music that she is writing right now.

Here is a list of news songs the public can expect to hear from Swift:

Love Liberals
You Belong with Liberals
Shake Off Trump
Bad Republicans
Mean Bigots
Tear Drops on My Liberal Heart
Getaway Republicans
Two Liberals Are Better Than One

Swift fans can expect more adult things from the reinvented Swift. She hopes to make more adult statements that offend little-minded people, but she is okay with that because she already has too much money to spend on her sad little self.

Pope Blames Devil

Vatican--The Pope isn't blaming the church for the evil done by its priest, but he is blaming the devil. It seems reasonable to blame the devil for everything bad that happens because man doesn't have free will and denying any responsibility seems like something a good leader should do when it comes to the crimes of the Roman Catholic priest.

Sure, most of these crimes happened before Pope Francis took over, but he hasn't done anything but put the blame on the devil.

The devil didn't care to comment on the latest accusation, but he did want to thank Pope Francis for giving him free media time.

Sure, the Roman Catholic Chruch may protect these priests, but it is too bad they didn't care to protect the children from the priests that had sick minds.

To blame the devil for the things you choose to do doesn't seem very Christian like. Good thing Saint John Paul II doesn't get any of the blame for covering this up, or how about Pope Benedict XVI for how he handled the whole thing.

Yes, keep blaming the devil. Keep spending money defending yourself from the truth, because everyone knows that priest don't lie.

Shocking News

Washington D.C.--What is shocking the news media today is the fact democrats and republicans are disagreeing on what the FBI found during the Kavanaugh investigation. Democrats say Kavanaugh is the scum of the earth and kiss your freedoms goodbye. Republicans are saying Kavanaugh is innocent and the salt of the earth. Wow, it is hard to believe that the two parties can't agree on the same report.

The Roger Goodell Interview

Roger Goodell with the job that no one really seems to know what is role is, so we sat down with the commissioner to get an idea of what he actually does.

Town Fool: Do you still consider yourself to be an egomaniac?

Goodell: For someone who makes 673,000 dollars a week to take in an NFL game he wants to, humility isn't important. My ego is the only things that keep me going.

Town Fool: Do you think you are a genius?

Goodell: Is a genius a guy that doesn't really have any tangible skills, but manages to make obscene amounts of money. In the NFL, they still haven't figured out what I am supposed to do. I guess that makes me a genius. 

Town Fool: Are you a narcissist?

Goodell: I'm not what you say I am. I have an ego because I have the fortune of not having to work. 

Town Fool: According to legend, the NFL comissioner used to be a positive face of the NFL

Goodell: According to legend, I am a positve face of the NFL. 

Town Fool: How did you become comissioner?

Goodell: I thought that I was good professional fit, because I know how to avoid work, and I was delighted when the NFL owners liked the image I protrayed. 

Town Fool: Do you feel you are a good comissioner?

Goodell: I could have been a good comissioner but the liberal media took me to task for not preventing head injuries. What about me? I have feelings too. I am just lucky I have a very supportive wife that helped me through the tough times. 

Town Fool: Do you feel you are "king of the castle"?

Goodell: I have a cannoical reason to feel that I am. I will just leave it at that.

Town Fool: Okay. How do you feel about all the poor officiating?

Goodell: I feel the officials do an excelent job. It isn't in every profession that someone in their late sixities is required to be physically fit and forced to keep up with young men that can run the 40 yard dash in 4.2 seconds. I think the officials are great. I think the officials make some great calls that may or may not cause gamblers to cringe, but the officials are the best. 

Town Fool: What about the lack of roughing the passer calls in week four?

Goodell: Each week is different. Statistically speaking the officials are correct 50.8 percent of the time. You don't see those kind of numbers in other professions.

Town Fool: Does that included obvious calls they miss.

Goodell: That is your opinon. 

Town Fool: Right. 

Goodell: I am right. 

Town Fool: What do you think your legacy will be on the game.

Goodell: I think it will be that NFL brand is making money. 

NFL Flags for Sale

New York, NY--The NFL is cracking down on roughing the passer calls by only making fewer calls this past weekend. The league got together and decided to go back to the way they used to call roughing the passer by not calling it. 

"We just can't make up our minds." Roger Goodell told reporters. "We want to protect quarterbacks, but want to stop short of putting a red cap on their helmets."

The NFL took some heat for calling every hit on a quarterback a penalty, so they went back to the old way of calling games and that seemed to anger fans too. They just can't win because they just can't seem to stick with one way of calling games. 

Leah Vukmir Is NRA Stooge

Madison, WI--Leah Vukmir denied that her campaign is an NRA front for taking over the United States Senate.

"I'm a nurse looking to drain the swamp in Washington. I am not working for the NRA, but I am fine with singing the praises of the terrorist group." Leah Vukmir told reporters.

The NRA is denying that they are doing anything illegal and claim they barely know Leah Vukmir.

NFL Going to Two-Hand Touch

New York, NY--The NFL is sick of all these unnecessary flags for tackling, so they are going to ban tackling and now defenders will be asked to use two hands.

"We feel that tackling is bad and the two-hand touch rule will prevent the pre-Madonna quarterbacks from taking unnecessary hits. It is a win-win. Imagine your favorite quarterback playing football well into their 50s," an NFL executive told reporters.

The NFL Blast Mean Tacklers

New York, NY--The NFL feels that the quarterbacks should be protected from taking any hit that might interfere with the play of the game. They also deny that these rashes of flags interfere with the game and ultimately decide some games.



The new roughing the passer rule was put in the game to prevent the quarterback from getting hurt during the season. This new rule, while clearly takes away the sack, will protect only one player and drive down the cost owners have to pay for pass rushers. It is a win-win for the NFL.

There is no clear proof that rule is equally applied to every quarterback in the NFL because of how the  NFL only seems to favor some teams when it comes to the way officials call football games. Cam Newton gets hit in the head, not foul because the player didn't put any weight on the quarterback. 

This wonderful new foul will lead to more free PR time for the already media starved NFL.

Hillary Clinton Controls Donald Trump

New York, NY--Hillary Clinton controls Donald Trump and it is clear she is bent on crippling this economy. She has Donald Trump threaten tariffs and more tariffs, as the manufacturing sector nervously bites its nails.

"For years we worked with the Chinese manufacturers to get products so cheap that there was no way we couldn't make insane profits," a prominent manufacturer told this blog.

The tariff idea is an old Hillary Clinton trick to cripple the economy and cause the world to make her supreme ruler of the world. She found a useful pawn with Donald Trump because he likes being president and doing what she says.

Donald Trump doesn't think Hillary is crooked, but he does foolishly believe that she is sweet on the Donnie.

NFL Takes Lead in Hiring Seniors

New York, NY--The NFL is leading by example when it comes to hiring practices. They were one of the first industries to fine owners for not interviewing minorities, and now they are hiring senior citizens to officiate their football games.

"We want the best experience for our fans, so we hired officials that can't keep up with the young athletes, and that means the officials are out of position to make the calls they make, but all the positive PR from hiring seniors will make us the envy of all other industries,"

Don't worry if your favorite team loses because a geriatric official couldn't see the play because his or her bifocals fogged up. The NFL is okay with grey areas that leave fans talking about how bad the officiating is because at least they are still talking about a game that is losing a fan base.

NFL Bans Tackling Quarterback

New York, NY--The NFL is ruling that is it is now illegal to tackle the quarterback.

"There seems to be a misunderstanding of what a tackle is because of Clay Mathews tackling Kirk Cousins. Mathews tackled the quarterback in a way that looked like it was a textbook form of what a tackle is, but isn't allowed when it comes to the expensive quarterbacks," an NFL official told reporters.

The NFL plans to send out tapes to teams to pointing out what is acceptable when it comes to tackling an expensive quarterback.

It isn't true that the NFL plans on eliminating tackling the quarterback. It is just that the common fan doesn't understand the NFL Laws of Physics.

"We can't afford to have franchise quarterbacks getting hurt because we all know that in the NFL the backup quarterback isn't worth the price of admission." an NFL representative told this fine blog.

NFL to Protect the Expensive Quaterbacks

New York, NY--The NFL is putting the league on notice. If you so much as sneeze on a quarterback making $12 million or more a year, the defender will be penalized.

It all started when a disoriented Tony Corrente threw a flag on Clay Mathews for a personal foul. He threw the flag when Kurt Cousins got hit a little too hard. Tony being a compassionate guy felt it was the right time to throw the flag.

Tony had a rough game. He had a hard time remember what a lot of the penalties were during the game. There were a couple times when he looked confused and needed other officials to tell him what to say.

"Tony is the ultimate professional. He never drinks alcohol during the game and makes sure to call the game the way he sees, even if he doesn't understand what a tackle is or should look like," an unnamed NFL executive told this quality blog.

The NFL puts out a quality product and they stick by the calls of their aging and confused officials. They don't see the harm in an official making a bad call when the game is on the line or if it looks like an official might have money on the game.

The longterm plan for the NFL owners is to hire officials from the WWE so fans will understand why the call doesn't match the rule.

Bob Woodward Has Sources

Bob Woodward is out selling his latest book.

The old man has multiple sources for everything that is in his book. That fact is clear by him shaking like Barney Fief loading the one bullet in his gun when asked about the details in the book.

"I don't know who the old guy is, bit boy did he look like a liar. He sure looked funny when he was trying to hide something," Bobby Fisher said.

Bobby Fisher is a second grader that is homeschooled by his parents. They made him watch the Sunday morning interview on CBS.

It is clear that Bob knows how to write good story, but it isn't clear if he knows how to tell the whole truth.

But does it matter? He once broke the Watergate story. Long live the liberal press. 

Treason, He Said

Crazy Donnie is losing his grip on reality. He just said that someone in his office committed treason.

We know it wasn't him because he would never sell this country out to make a quick dollar.

But Crazy Donnie likes to file bankruptcy more than he likes to pay his mistresses hush money, so maybe Crazy Donnie was confused and he was actually talking about himself.

Well, it could be anyone of the people he picked. They all seem to agree their boss is the best man for the job.

Maybe Crazy Donnie just wanted to distract us from the Russia probe

Crazy Donnie will get to the bottom of it and we can all rest better knowing our country is lucky to have a man that knows what good cake taste like. Thank God for that. 

Oliver North Caught Arming Deer

It didn't take long for Oliver North to revert to bad habits. He was caught selling arms to the deer heard in Wyoming.

It isn't clear if he will face any backlash from this incident, but it is clear that he was doing it to create revenue for the almost bankrupt NRA. 

"I did what I thought would help the NRA. History shows I can do anything I want to do." North told Fake News. 

Oliver North did deny that he is working with the Russians to arm feral cats.

Bears Trade Away Future

Chicago, IL--The Chicago Bears traded away their future on a pass rusher that hasn't played all preseason.

The Bears traded away 2019 and 2020 first round picks to the Raiders for Khalil Mack.

"What a great idea," a hysterical Bears' fan told reporters. "What the hell were they thinking? Our team isn't that good that they can afford to lose first round picks."

Many Bears fans were noticeably shocked and found playing in traffic.

The Bears play the Packers on September 9th so Bears fans will get their first look at Mack.

Poor Donnie

It is sad when the president can't get a little respect from the press. CNN just doesn't want to play nice with Donnie. They poke and prod him with sensational stories so outrageous that they can't be true.

Sure, Donnie paid off a few women.

Don't say anything about the women accepting money to sleep with the rich old man. Those poor victims of bad choices.

But why can't CNN be more like Fox News. They know how to respect and honor the code of conduct for journalist.

Poor Donnie! He just can't buy any respect.

Iran Spreading Lies on Facebook

Iran refuses to allow Russia to have all the fun on Facebook, so they upped their game and started spreading fake stories on the popular social media website.

The Iranians weren't aware the Facebook would narc them out for failing to verify their Russian sources when posting things to their fake accounts.

Iran is just trying to misinform the whole world with misinformation because they are trying to brand their country as a great vacation place.

The Iranian government really didn't want to comment on the fake accounts and pages but wanted to focus on the wonderful torture parks they are opening.

Facebook is taking the opportunity to pat themselves on the back for the job they should have been doing the whole time.

Paul Manafort Found to Be Good Guy

Good news if you had Paul Manfort goes to jail in your work pool. You are the lucky winner.

But it is a sad day when a former lobbyist is found guilty of cheating on his taxes. What is this world coming to when a man makes millions of dollars and doesn't have the good decency to pay his taxes? Doesn't he love this country?

If you thought it wasn't bad enough he was found guilty, well, Donald Donald Trump said Manford is a good guy. It would appear that Donald doesn't know it is bad to be found guilty of tax fraud and bank fraud.

Poor Paul will need his friend Donald to pardon him or the former businessman will be sitting behind bars for a little while, but at least he will be eating only the best gourmet bologna sandwiches. Yummy.

Pittsburgh Press-Gazette Meeting with President

Angry Zuckerberg Unfriends The Onion

This week The Onion declared war on Mark Zuckerberg, and in true Mark Zuckerberg fashion, he unfriended The Onion.

"I feel The Onion isn't very funny anymore. The Anti-semantic news site will be blocked on Facebook. They picked the wrong guy to bully. I will not be bullied." Mark Zuckerberg told his wife this morning. She just rolled her eyes and continued reading the latest article making fun of her husband.

The Onion could not be reached for comment because they haven't paid their phone bill in months.

China to Limit Tariffs to One Per Family

China plans on a new round of tariffs that will give each family one tariff.

"We feel this makes good economic sense." a Chinese official told reporters. "This policy is very similar to other oppressive things we did in the past."

The Chinese government is responding to the United States call for tariffs.

Jeff Sessions Hiding in Corner

Jeff Sessions quotes Bible and then cowers in the corner for fear God might hit him with a lightning bolt.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions quoted the passage with the hopes of appealing the fringe group of voters that like taking things out of context.

"Seperation is good." the often quoted Sessions told reporters.

God Wants Jesse Duplantis Riding First Class

New York-NY--God wants Rev. Jess Duplantis to have a private jet, and that is no lie because God never lies.

The good Rev. Jess Duplantis took to the airwaves to spread the joy of God's salvation and blessings but asked his followers to help God meet the financial needs of purchasing a private jet.

"Imagine the power of God shining on me when I show up in the ultra-private jet. The people will be in awe of this great jet. Then I will have their attention and respect." The good reverend said to the oil painting of Jesus in his office. "Jesus, hear my prayers. I need this jet so I can do things that glorify You."

The jet might seem extravagant to the rest of the world that has never flown on a private jet, but to a rich man, and a blessed man, the jet is necessary for all the private missions he makes to undeveloped countries that don't have airports.

This is a spoof story. Read at your own risk. Please leave a comment. 

Christian Nation Almost Ready to Trust God for Daily Protection

New York, NY--Christian nation still contemplating a life of trusting God to protect them from the evils of the world, but until it can put 100% faith in their Lord and Savior they will put their faith in Smith and Wesson firearms to do the job.

"Do I believe in God? What kind of question is that? I put my faith in God, but I still feel God wants me to put my faith in my Glock 9mm for that little extra protection," Ralph VanHumor, an NRA member, told journalist gathered outside his house.

This Christian nation likes to tout their faith and good nature, but when it comes to the evils of the world they just can't commit to putting their faith in God because what happens if He is too busy doing other things, like watching Friend reruns.

"With children and mass shootings happening on a weekly basis, you need the protection that comes from the Second Amendment. Our Founding Fathers were good people and believed in using guns to protect them from criminals," Ralph VanHumor shouted to the sky.

As the Christian nation sorts out its feelings about their faith, the rest of us worry about the mental health of the people that worship at the alters of guns.

NFL Gets Tough, Maybe

New York, NY--The NFL ruled today that all players will stand for the national anthem unless they get a doctors excuse.

The owners feel that is their right to do so because they feel they need to show the players whose in charge. They can't afford the embarrassment of free speech getting in the way of a poorly refereed game and an overpaid commissioner fumbling every public appearance he makes. 

"We feel it is important to show respect. It isn't like these players will even remember this in ten years," an NFL spokesman told reporters.

Guns Protest NRA

Washington, DC--Guns are upset that they are being physically and mentally abused by the NRA,  and to make matters worse, that the NRA is using them for their propaganda machine. They want to distance themselves from the lies being spread by the NRA

Guns feel they are the victim in most cases because they never intended to be used for such senseless acts against humanity. They never wake up and wish anyone harm, unless it is a paper target.

"We were created for sport and nothing else." A spokesgun for the group told reporters. "We even regret that hunters use us to harvest wildlife because a true sportsman would use a bow and arrow for harvesting deer and such game. We also have no problem going back to a single shot, if that will help our protect our society."

Guns do understand that some sportsmen are fat and lazy and lack the mental capacity to use a bow and arrow, but that is why they want to help educate gun owners, so these owners can someday become a true sportsman.

Guns would also like to remind gun owners that 60 minutes of exercise a day will not only help their physical health, but it will also help reduce the anger they feel towards their fellow citizen.

The NRA is denying ever mentally or physically abusing guns to gain extra privileges under laws written over two hundred years ago.

Wayne LaPierre was too busy to talk to reporters because he was rubbing himself with the millions of dollars he raised from pimping guns.

Guns were lucky enough to get Jesus at their press conference and have Him issue a statement supporting guns in their fight against the NRA. "If you truly believe in Me you wouldn't put your faith in a gun. Thou shall not lie when it comes to the truth about guns. Guns kill."

Disclaimer: This is a fake story. Wayne LaPierre isn't a rich pimp.

Sorry We Missed the Royal Wedding

Dear Reader:

This site would like to offer a sincere apology for not covering the royal wedding. Our editors would like to remind you that there are more important events occurring in our country and around the world that require our attention.

We do not want to downplay the importance of a Hollywood actress getting married for the second time to a man that will never be king. It is important that we take their vows with all seriousness. Yes, every rival media outlet wanted to make sure you had the opportunity to waste your day by watching a wedding ceremony.

The mainstream media didn't want to distract you with news about another school shooting. They wanted to take a Saturday off and pay tribute to an antiquated system of government that is about as relevant and important as a sloth scratching its belly on live tv.

We don't regret our choices, but we do wish you a fond day.

Thank you!

Editorial Staff of The Daily Town Fool

Fake News Site Doesn't Win Acknowledgement from Trump

President Trump handed out awards for fake news stories he found award-winning. To the shock of the writer of this site, no award for this site. I can assure you that the fake news stories found on this site are award winning. I feel sad for the president for not seeing the beauty of a truly fake news stories. His list is laughable and maybe that is why Trump is Trump.