Scott Walker Using Unused Vacation Days

Madison, WI--Scott Walker is using some unused vacation days before his term ends. It came to his knowledge that he still had vacation days to use.

"Despite all the hype and hysteria of me working until the end of my term, these vacations do nothing to fundamentally change my previous statements." Scott Walker told reporters.

Scott Walker worked tirelessly for the taxpayers for Wisconsin by saving them about $50 on their property tax bills, and that is about it.

"My criteria when evaluating vacation days was simple: Do they improve my health? Do they increase my productivity? Do they affirm my stability? And do they protect taxpayers? The answer is yes." Governor Walker told reporters.

Great Scott Using Venn Diagram

Green Bay, WI--Scott Walker relied on a Venn diagram to make his point that the bill he signed is what the voters of Wisconsin asked for four years ago, he was just too busy running for president in 2016 to get around to it until now. , 

"I'm going to work for the state until my term is up. Sure, if I would of become president in 2016 that would be a different story, but I'm not bitter." Scott Walker told his supporters.

Nobody loves smaller government more than a bunch of career politicians mooching off the taxpayers of Wisconsin because they sure seem worried about a job agency that has a record of being a phony and waste of taxpayer dollars, so they are doing everything in their power to make sure more taxpayer money is wasted on companies not creating jobs.

"In the year 2043, the state will see a great return on the money we handed out to Foxconn and people will thank me for having the courage to make sure small government subsidies big business. Can I get a big 'Thank You' from the crowd?" Scott Walker so elegantly spoke into his microphone.

The crowd just rose to their feet after hearing the pure political speak from the man they thought might become president. Old men wept, young men wept, but no women wept because of Republican rules barring women from attending the meeting.

In an orchestrated career politician moment, Scott Walker signed the Venn diagram and threw it into the crowd.

"Man, he knows how to go out in style," Scott Walker muttered to himself.

Scott Walker Lectures Sons on Power Grab

Madison, WI--Scott Walker just can't turn off the political speak as he lectured his son on the beauty of the power grab.

"When you lose, sons, go out swinging. Take everything you can and make it harder for the next guy. That is the right thing to do," Scott Walker told his sons.

The lecture came after his son questioned the ethics of his father's decision to back the power grab.

"Gee, shucks, dad, didn't you tell us to be gracious and Christlike when it comes to our actions? What is up with you doing the opposite?" Alex Walker asked his dad.

Governor Walker continued to explain to his sons the reasons for doing it and how it will help him when he runs for governor is 2022.

"Evers doesn't stand a chance and now I positioned myself so I can run a campaign in 2022 that promises to restore the powers I stripped away from the governor and attorney general."

At press time, Walker's sons had left the room but he was still lecturing on all the reasons for being in favor of the power grab.

Scott Walker Uses Man-Child As Human Shield

Madison, WI--Scott Walker tried to use a human shield to protect himself from the criticism for playing politics with the laws of Wisconsin.

"It is shocking that a man that is known for his integrity and goodwill would use a man-child as a human shield," Paul Fitzgerald a retired government employee told reporters gathering in the capital rotunda.

Scott Walker got heckled as he helped flip the switch to the state Christmas tree.

But unlike years ago when Governor Walker got heckled, he grabbed a man-child and tried to use him as a human shield.

"You brutes," Scott Walker yelled at the protestors, as he held the man-child up with the hopes the protestors would stop. He failed to realize the man-child was Robin Vos, so the crowd only grew more vociferous.

The governor did eventually slip down a secret passageway and took to Twitter to complain about all the heckling.

"I hope you protestors get coal in your socks this Christmas." Walker tweeted. "I'm just doing what I said I would do eight years ago."

Wisconsin Republicans Just Realized Governor Has Too Much Power

Madison, WI--Republicans in the state legislature just realized the governor has too much power. It only took them ten years to get to work and change it. The move has nothing to do with the perceived fear of a Democrat shrinking government by getting rid of a department that isn't needed.

State Assembly Leader Robin Vos said, "We have allowed far too much authority to flow to the executive. To you, this is all about politics. To me, it's about the institution."

The institution sounds like a nice catchphrase for a place were people panic and do things that are borderline unethical.

Walker and Republicans Flip-Flop on Lame Duck Session

Republicans in Madison, WI realized they still had a couple weeks to wreck the economy of Wisconsin.

"Oh, these changes to the rules were something we planned on doing but never got around to, and it wasn't until I looked at some of the news stories from the 2010 election when Scott Walker said the state should take away some of the powers of the governor and attorney general, so we are now trying to pass these rules changes in a shady way." Robin Vos told reporters.

Aaron Rodgers Celebrates in Mike McCarthy's Empty Parking Spot

Aaron Rodgers was caught celebrating in his old coach's parking spot. Sure, he seemed a little sad he got his coach fired, but once the music started playing, well, Rodgers lost it and did his "Championship Belt" move.

The domesticated Rodgers lost his championship edge and pouted like a little baby this year. He gave up short passes for in the dirt passes. But mostly he played like someone in their forties.

Rodgers did tell reporters that he plans on not playing well if the Packers don't ask him for his opinions on who should be the next head coach of the Green Bay Packers."This team goes where I go," Rodgers said. "What are they going to do, cut me? I f@#king doubt it."

GM Quits Making Lemons

New York, NY--General Motors announced that they are done making lemons for a little bit because they can't make enough money to support their CEO's salary.

"We are going with a sound business strategy of our competitor Ford Motor Company and quitting the car business because it is about time we admit we make crummy cars," General Motor's CEO Mary Barra told reporters.

General Motors also admitted that in the short term this plan is solid, but once gas prices go up and the consumers stop buying SUVs that they hope the government will come to their rescue again.

"This plan is solid for my stock options, so I am sticking with it. In the long run, well, I will be retired and not a care in the world," Mar Barra added.

Reporters did ask her why she thought it made good business sense to make only expensive vehicles and she didn't seem to understand the question.

Mike McCarthy Spends Monday Night Updating Resume

Green Bay, WI--Mike McCarthy spent his Monday night updating his resume. He took a little break from watching game film and decided it wouldn't hurt to pad his resume. In the past, McCarthy managed to pull off a winning season, but after last year when he stuck with Hudley the Super Bowl-winning coach looked like a fool. This season he can't seem to find a play in the playbook that works in the second half.

The coach did place a call to his old boss for a reference but is still waiting for Ted Thompson to call him back.

Coach McCarthy trying to think of action verb for this season. 

Mike McCarthy Just Mailing It In This Season

Green Bay, WI--Coach Mike McCarthy is just taking it easy and saving all his best play calling for the new team he hopes to coach next year.

"Sure, I have a great quarterback, but that just isn't enough for me. I want more challenges and I just don't think it is going to happen in Green Bay," Mike McCarthy told reporters. "I know I have to say the right things that look like I care, but let us be honest, I'm just mailing it in until the Packers finally fire me."

The Packers are on a losing streak and look like a bad team. The coach can't stop his team from making mental mistakes, and the play calling on offense looks like the play calling of a coach who hasn't a care in his life.

It isn't clear when the Packers will fire Mike McCarthy but it is clear that the longer they wait the more the coach seems to make the joke of the coaching profession, and it is so obvious that this is the year the Packers might actually make a change at head coach.

Mike McCarthy Leaving Green Bay

King Kohler

Unemployed Scott Walker Cartoon

Another Scott Walker Cartoon

Goodbye, Air Walker Cartoon

Cartoon

Great Scott Walker Cartoon

Great Scott Walker Loves Creating Numbers

Madison, WI--Great Scott Walker loves creating numbers. He loves creating the numbers used to attack his opponent Tony Evers.

Great Scott Walker hasn't created the number of jobs he promised, but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to more people working in the state. Why should we want Great Scott Walker to keep his promises?

Great Scott Walker loves to tout the fact he didn't raise property taxes, but most counties have added extra taxes or fees to make up money they aren't getting from property taxes. Don't forget that property values dropped in the state, but tax bills never matched the percentage drop of the home value. Why would we want Great Scott Walker to be honest?

Great Scott Walker loves to say Tony Evers is going to raise the gas tax a dollar, but Tony Evers never said such a thing, but that doesn't stop Great Scott Walker from making such claims in his negative ads. Why would we want Great Scott Walker to fix our roads because he is too busy taking the state plane for his daily commute?

Great Scott Walker will continue throwing mud because he doesn't know what it is like to run a company or run a state.

Pope Still Blaming Women

Vatican--The Pope is calling women evil again, and this comes after he spent all night moving pedophilia priest around the world.

"It was a rough night, but I managed to get some dangerous people to different locations without the public knowing about it. Should the public be worried? Nah. They should be worried about women getting abortions." Pope Francis told reporters. "These women only care about themselves and not the future offering givers of the Church."

The Pope is high on himself and pushing the anti-woman agenda that appeals to the conservative branch of the church. This conservative branch is the branch that brought you homophobic priest touching little children.

The women of the world just sighed and said they had better thing to do than comment on the babblings of an old man that wears dresses and likes to think he is St. Peter.

Kavanaugh Shows Up a Little Hungover

Washington D.C.--Brett Kavanaugh showed up for his first day on the job a little hungover. His first question on the job was if 'anyone had aspirin?' when the session started on Tuesday morning. He also said 'damn, I love beer.' as he talked to himself.

Herbert Kohler Looking for Government Handout

Kohler, WI--Herbert Kohler is looking for a government handout to help subsidize the union wages he pays to workers in his engine plant. The move is to guarantee that all taxes are paid by the employees and not the owner.

"I'm just a poor fat man that is barely eeking out a living due to the demands of employees that ask for too many things when it comes to wages and healthcare. I just can't afford my ten mansions. It also makes it harder for me to steal county land because I can't grease the local politicians with gifts," Herbert Kohler told reporters gathered outside his belltower office.

Kohler is still struggling to make it in the world of business. His Ivy League education just didn't give him the skills to keep a global business going. The poor fat man just doesn't know what he can do without a government handout. He already took a government handout in other cities throughout the United States and can't understand why Sheboygan County won't give him more money.

"Taxes are killing me. I don't have the exact figure but taxes are preventing me from creating better-paying jobs," Herbert Kohler told reporters.

Sheboygan County wasn't aware that Kohler was suffering. They still don't understand how a man that stuck it to his union employees is struggling to make it, but they figure he is handicapped by his Ivy League education and lack of branches on his family tree.

Fantasy Football Team Doing Nothing Important

New York, NY--Jarred's fantasy football isn't doing anything but losing, but he isn't sure if it is too early to fire himself.

"I prepared this year. I bought a fantasy football draft magazine and ended up picking the last place team. After five weeks of straight loses, I have nothing left to play for, so I am just going to leave my roster the way it is." Jarred told reporters in his parents' basement.

Jarred pick some sure winners when he picked the Vikings' defense, and other sure picks that his magazine taunted as sure winners.

He is in last place and is taking to social media to mock the magazine as a hack job.

(Disclosure: The fantasy football magazine in question advertises a lot on this website so we won't name it.)

Pope Blames Devil

Vatican--The Pope isn't blaming the church for the evil done by its priest, but he is blaming the devil. It seems reasonable to blame the devil for everything bad that happens because man doesn't have free will and denying any responsibility seems like something a good leader should do when it comes to the crimes of the Roman Catholic priest.

Sure, most of these crimes happened before Pope Francis took over, but he hasn't done anything but put the blame on the devil.

The devil didn't care to comment on the latest accusation, but he did want to thank Pope Francis for giving him free media time.

Sure, the Roman Catholic Chruch may protect these priests, but it is too bad they didn't care to protect the children from the priests that had sick minds.

To blame the devil for the things you choose to do doesn't seem very Christian like. Good thing Saint John Paul II doesn't get any of the blame for covering this up, or how about Pope Benedict XVI for how he handled the whole thing.

Yes, keep blaming the devil. Keep spending money defending yourself from the truth, because everyone knows that priest don't lie.

The Roger Goodell Interview

Roger Goodell with the job that no one really seems to know what is role is, so we sat down with the commissioner to get an idea of what he actually does.

Town Fool: Do you still consider yourself to be an egomaniac?

Goodell: For someone who makes 673,000 dollars a week to take in an NFL game he wants to, humility isn't important. My ego is the only things that keep me going.

Town Fool: Do you think you are a genius?

Goodell: Is a genius a guy that doesn't really have any tangible skills, but manages to make obscene amounts of money. In the NFL, they still haven't figured out what I am supposed to do. I guess that makes me a genius. 

Town Fool: Are you a narcissist?

Goodell: I'm not what you say I am. I have an ego because I have the fortune of not having to work. 

Town Fool: According to legend, the NFL comissioner used to be a positive face of the NFL

Goodell: According to legend, I am a positve face of the NFL. 

Town Fool: How did you become comissioner?

Goodell: I thought that I was good professional fit, because I know how to avoid work, and I was delighted when the NFL owners liked the image I protrayed. 

Town Fool: Do you feel you are a good comissioner?

Goodell: I could have been a good comissioner but the liberal media took me to task for not preventing head injuries. What about me? I have feelings too. I am just lucky I have a very supportive wife that helped me through the tough times. 

Town Fool: Do you feel you are "king of the castle"?

Goodell: I have a cannoical reason to feel that I am. I will just leave it at that.

Town Fool: Okay. How do you feel about all the poor officiating?

Goodell: I feel the officials do an excelent job. It isn't in every profession that someone in their late sixities is required to be physically fit and forced to keep up with young men that can run the 40 yard dash in 4.2 seconds. I think the officials are great. I think the officials make some great calls that may or may not cause gamblers to cringe, but the officials are the best. 

Town Fool: What about the lack of roughing the passer calls in week four?

Goodell: Each week is different. Statistically speaking the officials are correct 50.8 percent of the time. You don't see those kind of numbers in other professions.

Town Fool: Does that included obvious calls they miss.

Goodell: That is your opinon. 

Town Fool: Right. 

Goodell: I am right. 

Town Fool: What do you think your legacy will be on the game.

Goodell: I think it will be that NFL brand is making money. 

NFL Flags for Sale

New York, NY--The NFL is cracking down on roughing the passer calls by only making fewer calls this past weekend. The league got together and decided to go back to the way they used to call roughing the passer by not calling it. 

"We just can't make up our minds." Roger Goodell told reporters. "We want to protect quarterbacks, but want to stop short of putting a red cap on their helmets."

The NFL took some heat for calling every hit on a quarterback a penalty, so they went back to the old way of calling games and that seemed to anger fans too. They just can't win because they just can't seem to stick with one way of calling games. 

NFL Going to Two-Hand Touch

New York, NY--The NFL is sick of all these unnecessary flags for tackling, so they are going to ban tackling and now defenders will be asked to use two hands.

"We feel that tackling is bad and the two-hand touch rule will prevent the pre-Madonna quarterbacks from taking unnecessary hits. It is a win-win. Imagine your favorite quarterback playing football well into their 50s," an NFL executive told reporters.

The NFL Blast Mean Tacklers

New York, NY--The NFL feels that the quarterbacks should be protected from taking any hit that might interfere with the play of the game. They also deny that these rashes of flags interfere with the game and ultimately decide some games.



The new roughing the passer rule was put in the game to prevent the quarterback from getting hurt during the season. This new rule, while clearly takes away the sack, will protect only one player and drive down the cost owners have to pay for pass rushers. It is a win-win for the NFL.

There is no clear proof that rule is equally applied to every quarterback in the NFL because of how the  NFL only seems to favor some teams when it comes to the way officials call football games. Cam Newton gets hit in the head, not foul because the player didn't put any weight on the quarterback. 

This wonderful new foul will lead to more free PR time for the already media starved NFL.

NFL Takes Lead in Hiring Seniors

New York, NY--The NFL is leading by example when it comes to hiring practices. They were one of the first industries to fine owners for not interviewing minorities, and now they are hiring senior citizens to officiate their football games.

"We want the best experience for our fans, so we hired officials that can't keep up with the young athletes, and that means the officials are out of position to make the calls they make, but all the positive PR from hiring seniors will make us the envy of all other industries,"

Don't worry if your favorite team loses because a geriatric official couldn't see the play because his or her bifocals fogged up. The NFL is okay with grey areas that leave fans talking about how bad the officiating is because at least they are still talking about a game that is losing a fan base.

NFL Bans Tackling Quarterback

New York, NY--The NFL is ruling that is it is now illegal to tackle the quarterback.

"There seems to be a misunderstanding of what a tackle is because of Clay Mathews tackling Kirk Cousins. Mathews tackled the quarterback in a way that looked like it was a textbook form of what a tackle is, but isn't allowed when it comes to the expensive quarterbacks," an NFL official told reporters.

The NFL plans to send out tapes to teams to pointing out what is acceptable when it comes to tackling an expensive quarterback.

It isn't true that the NFL plans on eliminating tackling the quarterback. It is just that the common fan doesn't understand the NFL Laws of Physics.

"We can't afford to have franchise quarterbacks getting hurt because we all know that in the NFL the backup quarterback isn't worth the price of admission." an NFL representative told this fine blog.

NFL to Protect the Expensive Quaterbacks

New York, NY--The NFL is putting the league on notice. If you so much as sneeze on a quarterback making $12 million or more a year, the defender will be penalized.

It all started when a disoriented Tony Corrente threw a flag on Clay Mathews for a personal foul. He threw the flag when Kurt Cousins got hit a little too hard. Tony being a compassionate guy felt it was the right time to throw the flag.

Tony had a rough game. He had a hard time remember what a lot of the penalties were during the game. There were a couple times when he looked confused and needed other officials to tell him what to say.

"Tony is the ultimate professional. He never drinks alcohol during the game and makes sure to call the game the way he sees, even if he doesn't understand what a tackle is or should look like," an unnamed NFL executive told this quality blog.

The NFL puts out a quality product and they stick by the calls of their aging and confused officials. They don't see the harm in an official making a bad call when the game is on the line or if it looks like an official might have money on the game.

The longterm plan for the NFL owners is to hire officials from the WWE so fans will understand why the call doesn't match the rule.

Oliver North Caught Arming Deer

It didn't take long for Oliver North to revert to bad habits. He was caught selling arms to the deer heard in Wyoming.

It isn't clear if he will face any backlash from this incident, but it is clear that he was doing it to create revenue for the almost bankrupt NRA. 

"I did what I thought would help the NRA. History shows I can do anything I want to do." North told Fake News. 

Oliver North did deny that he is working with the Russians to arm feral cats.

Bears Trade Away Future

Chicago, IL--The Chicago Bears traded away their future on a pass rusher that hasn't played all preseason.

The Bears traded away 2019 and 2020 first round picks to the Raiders for Khalil Mack.

"What a great idea," a hysterical Bears' fan told reporters. "What the hell were they thinking? Our team isn't that good that they can afford to lose first round picks."

Many Bears fans were noticeably shocked and found playing in traffic.

The Bears play the Packers on September 9th so Bears fans will get their first look at Mack.

Jeff Sessions Hiding in Corner

Jeff Sessions quotes Bible and then cowers in the corner for fear God might hit him with a lightning bolt.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions quoted the passage with the hopes of appealing the fringe group of voters that like taking things out of context.

"Seperation is good." the often quoted Sessions told reporters.

God Wants Jesse Duplantis Riding First Class

New York-NY--God wants Rev. Jess Duplantis to have a private jet, and that is no lie because God never lies.

The good Rev. Jess Duplantis took to the airwaves to spread the joy of God's salvation and blessings but asked his followers to help God meet the financial needs of purchasing a private jet.

"Imagine the power of God shining on me when I show up in the ultra-private jet. The people will be in awe of this great jet. Then I will have their attention and respect." The good reverend said to the oil painting of Jesus in his office. "Jesus, hear my prayers. I need this jet so I can do things that glorify You."

The jet might seem extravagant to the rest of the world that has never flown on a private jet, but to a rich man, and a blessed man, the jet is necessary for all the private missions he makes to undeveloped countries that don't have airports.

This is a spoof story. Read at your own risk. Please leave a comment. 

NFL Gets Tough, Maybe

New York, NY--The NFL ruled today that all players will stand for the national anthem unless they get a doctors excuse.

The owners feel that is their right to do so because they feel they need to show the players whose in charge. They can't afford the embarrassment of free speech getting in the way of a poorly refereed game and an overpaid commissioner fumbling every public appearance he makes. 

"We feel it is important to show respect. It isn't like these players will even remember this in ten years," an NFL spokesman told reporters.

Sorry We Missed the Royal Wedding

Dear Reader:

This site would like to offer a sincere apology for not covering the royal wedding. Our editors would like to remind you that there are more important events occurring in our country and around the world that require our attention.

We do not want to downplay the importance of a Hollywood actress getting married for the second time to a man that will never be king. It is important that we take their vows with all seriousness. Yes, every rival media outlet wanted to make sure you had the opportunity to waste your day by watching a wedding ceremony.

The mainstream media didn't want to distract you with news about another school shooting. They wanted to take a Saturday off and pay tribute to an antiquated system of government that is about as relevant and important as a sloth scratching its belly on live tv.

We don't regret our choices, but we do wish you a fond day.

Thank you!

Editorial Staff of The Daily Town Fool