Monday, October 29, 2018
Saturday, October 27, 2018
Great Scott Walker Loves Creating Numbers
Madison, WI--Great Scott Walker loves creating numbers. He loves creating the numbers used to attack his opponent Tony Evers.
Great Scott Walker hasn't created the number of jobs he promised, but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to more people working in the state. Why should we want Great Scott Walker to keep his promises?
Great Scott Walker loves to tout the fact he didn't raise property taxes, but most counties have added extra taxes or fees to make up money they aren't getting from property taxes. Don't forget that property values dropped in the state, but tax bills never matched the percentage drop of the home value. Why would we want Great Scott Walker to be honest?
Great Scott Walker loves to say Tony Evers is going to raise the gas tax a dollar, but Tony Evers never said such a thing, but that doesn't stop Great Scott Walker from making such claims in his negative ads. Why would we want Great Scott Walker to fix our roads because he is too busy taking the state plane for his daily commute?
Great Scott Walker will continue throwing mud because he doesn't know what it is like to run a company or run a state.
Great Scott Walker hasn't created the number of jobs he promised, but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to more people working in the state. Why should we want Great Scott Walker to keep his promises?
Great Scott Walker loves to tout the fact he didn't raise property taxes, but most counties have added extra taxes or fees to make up money they aren't getting from property taxes. Don't forget that property values dropped in the state, but tax bills never matched the percentage drop of the home value. Why would we want Great Scott Walker to be honest?
Great Scott Walker loves to say Tony Evers is going to raise the gas tax a dollar, but Tony Evers never said such a thing, but that doesn't stop Great Scott Walker from making such claims in his negative ads. Why would we want Great Scott Walker to fix our roads because he is too busy taking the state plane for his daily commute?
Great Scott Walker will continue throwing mud because he doesn't know what it is like to run a company or run a state.
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Pope Still Blaming Women
Vatican--The Pope is calling women evil again, and this comes after he spent all night moving pedophilia priest around the world.
"It was a rough night, but I managed to get some dangerous people to different locations without the public knowing about it. Should the public be worried? Nah. They should be worried about women getting abortions." Pope Francis told reporters. "These women only care about themselves and not the future offering givers of the Church."
The Pope is high on himself and pushing the anti-woman agenda that appeals to the conservative branch of the church. This conservative branch is the branch that brought you homophobic priest touching little children.
The women of the world just sighed and said they had better thing to do than comment on the babblings of an old man that wears dresses and likes to think he is St. Peter.
"It was a rough night, but I managed to get some dangerous people to different locations without the public knowing about it. Should the public be worried? Nah. They should be worried about women getting abortions." Pope Francis told reporters. "These women only care about themselves and not the future offering givers of the Church."
The Pope is high on himself and pushing the anti-woman agenda that appeals to the conservative branch of the church. This conservative branch is the branch that brought you homophobic priest touching little children.
The women of the world just sighed and said they had better thing to do than comment on the babblings of an old man that wears dresses and likes to think he is St. Peter.
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Kavanaugh Shows Up a Little Hungover
Washington D.C.--Brett Kavanaugh showed up for his first day on the job a little hungover. His first question on the job was if 'anyone had aspirin?' when the session started on Tuesday morning. He also said 'damn, I love beer.' as he talked to himself.
Herbert Kohler Looking for Government Handout
Kohler, WI--Herbert Kohler is looking for a government handout to help subsidize the union wages he pays to workers in his engine plant. The move is to guarantee that all taxes are paid by the employees and not the owner.
"I'm just a poor fat man that is barely eeking out a living due to the demands of employees that ask for too many things when it comes to wages and healthcare. I just can't afford my ten mansions. It also makes it harder for me to steal county land because I can't grease the local politicians with gifts," Herbert Kohler told reporters gathered outside his belltower office.
Kohler is still struggling to make it in the world of business. His Ivy League education just didn't give him the skills to keep a global business going. The poor fat man just doesn't know what he can do without a government handout. He already took a government handout in other cities throughout the United States and can't understand why Sheboygan County won't give him more money.
"Taxes are killing me. I don't have the exact figure but taxes are preventing me from creating better-paying jobs," Herbert Kohler told reporters.
Sheboygan County wasn't aware that Kohler was suffering. They still don't understand how a man that stuck it to his union employees is struggling to make it, but they figure he is handicapped by his Ivy League education and lack of branches on his family tree.
"I'm just a poor fat man that is barely eeking out a living due to the demands of employees that ask for too many things when it comes to wages and healthcare. I just can't afford my ten mansions. It also makes it harder for me to steal county land because I can't grease the local politicians with gifts," Herbert Kohler told reporters gathered outside his belltower office.
Kohler is still struggling to make it in the world of business. His Ivy League education just didn't give him the skills to keep a global business going. The poor fat man just doesn't know what he can do without a government handout. He already took a government handout in other cities throughout the United States and can't understand why Sheboygan County won't give him more money.
"Taxes are killing me. I don't have the exact figure but taxes are preventing me from creating better-paying jobs," Herbert Kohler told reporters.
Sheboygan County wasn't aware that Kohler was suffering. They still don't understand how a man that stuck it to his union employees is struggling to make it, but they figure he is handicapped by his Ivy League education and lack of branches on his family tree.
Monday, October 8, 2018
Fantasy Football Team Doing Nothing Important
New York, NY--Jarred's fantasy football isn't doing anything but losing, but he isn't sure if it is too early to fire himself.
"I prepared this year. I bought a fantasy football draft magazine and ended up picking the last place team. After five weeks of straight loses, I have nothing left to play for, so I am just going to leave my roster the way it is." Jarred told reporters in his parents' basement.
Jarred pick some sure winners when he picked the Vikings' defense, and other sure picks that his magazine taunted as sure winners.
He is in last place and is taking to social media to mock the magazine as a hack job.
(Disclosure: The fantasy football magazine in question advertises a lot on this website so we won't name it.)
"I prepared this year. I bought a fantasy football draft magazine and ended up picking the last place team. After five weeks of straight loses, I have nothing left to play for, so I am just going to leave my roster the way it is." Jarred told reporters in his parents' basement.
Jarred pick some sure winners when he picked the Vikings' defense, and other sure picks that his magazine taunted as sure winners.
He is in last place and is taking to social media to mock the magazine as a hack job.
(Disclosure: The fantasy football magazine in question advertises a lot on this website so we won't name it.)
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Pope Blames Devil
Vatican--The Pope isn't blaming the church for the evil done by its priest, but he is blaming the devil. It seems reasonable to blame the devil for everything bad that happens because man doesn't have free will and denying any responsibility seems like something a good leader should do when it comes to the crimes of the Roman Catholic priest.
Sure, most of these crimes happened before Pope Francis took over, but he hasn't done anything but put the blame on the devil.
The devil didn't care to comment on the latest accusation, but he did want to thank Pope Francis for giving him free media time.
Sure, the Roman Catholic Chruch may protect these priests, but it is too bad they didn't care to protect the children from the priests that had sick minds.
To blame the devil for the things you choose to do doesn't seem very Christian like. Good thing Saint John Paul II doesn't get any of the blame for covering this up, or how about Pope Benedict XVI for how he handled the whole thing.
Yes, keep blaming the devil. Keep spending money defending yourself from the truth, because everyone knows that priest don't lie.
Sure, most of these crimes happened before Pope Francis took over, but he hasn't done anything but put the blame on the devil.
The devil didn't care to comment on the latest accusation, but he did want to thank Pope Francis for giving him free media time.
Sure, the Roman Catholic Chruch may protect these priests, but it is too bad they didn't care to protect the children from the priests that had sick minds.
To blame the devil for the things you choose to do doesn't seem very Christian like. Good thing Saint John Paul II doesn't get any of the blame for covering this up, or how about Pope Benedict XVI for how he handled the whole thing.
Yes, keep blaming the devil. Keep spending money defending yourself from the truth, because everyone knows that priest don't lie.
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
The Roger Goodell Interview
Roger Goodell with the job that no one really seems to know what is role is, so we sat down with the commissioner to get an idea of what he actually does.
Town Fool: Do you still consider yourself to be an egomaniac?
Goodell: For someone who makes 673,000 dollars a week to take in an NFL game he wants to, humility isn't important. My ego is the only things that keep me going.
Town Fool: Do you think you are a genius?
Town Fool: Do you still consider yourself to be an egomaniac?
Goodell: For someone who makes 673,000 dollars a week to take in an NFL game he wants to, humility isn't important. My ego is the only things that keep me going.
Goodell: Is a genius a guy that doesn't really have any tangible skills, but manages to make obscene amounts of money. In the NFL, they still haven't figured out what I am supposed to do. I guess that makes me a genius.
Town Fool: Are you a narcissist?
Goodell: I'm not what you say I am. I have an ego because I have the fortune of not having to work.
Town Fool: According to legend, the NFL comissioner used to be a positive face of the NFL
Goodell: According to legend, I am a positve face of the NFL.
Town Fool: How did you become comissioner?
Goodell: I thought that I was good professional fit, because I know how to avoid work, and I was delighted when the NFL owners liked the image I protrayed.
Town Fool: Do you feel you are a good comissioner?
Town Fool: Do you feel you are a good comissioner?
Goodell: I could have been a good comissioner but the liberal media took me to task for not preventing head injuries. What about me? I have feelings too. I am just lucky I have a very supportive wife that helped me through the tough times.
Town Fool: Do you feel you are "king of the castle"?
Goodell: I have a cannoical reason to feel that I am. I will just leave it at that.
Town Fool: Okay. How do you feel about all the poor officiating?
Goodell: I feel the officials do an excelent job. It isn't in every profession that someone in their late sixities is required to be physically fit and forced to keep up with young men that can run the 40 yard dash in 4.2 seconds. I think the officials are great. I think the officials make some great calls that may or may not cause gamblers to cringe, but the officials are the best.
Town Fool: What about the lack of roughing the passer calls in week four?
Goodell: Each week is different. Statistically speaking the officials are correct 50.8 percent of the time. You don't see those kind of numbers in other professions.
Town Fool: Does that included obvious calls they miss.
Goodell: That is your opinon.
Town Fool: Right.
Goodell: I am right.
Town Fool: What do you think your legacy will be on the game.
Goodell: I think it will be that NFL brand is making money.
NFL Flags for Sale
New York, NY--The NFL is cracking down on roughing the passer calls by only making fewer calls this past weekend. The league got together and decided to go back to the way they used to call roughing the passer by not calling it.
"We just can't make up our minds." Roger Goodell told reporters. "We want to protect quarterbacks, but want to stop short of putting a red cap on their helmets."
The NFL took some heat for calling every hit on a quarterback a penalty, so they went back to the old way of calling games and that seemed to anger fans too. They just can't win because they just can't seem to stick with one way of calling games.
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