NFL Gets Tough, Maybe

New York, NY--The NFL ruled today that all players will stand for the national anthem unless they get a doctors excuse.

The owners feel that is their right to do so because they feel they need to show the players whose in charge. They can't afford the embarrassment of free speech getting in the way of a poorly refereed game and an overpaid commissioner fumbling every public appearance he makes. 

"We feel it is important to show respect. It isn't like these players will even remember this in ten years," an NFL spokesman told reporters.

Sorry We Missed the Royal Wedding

Dear Reader:

This site would like to offer a sincere apology for not covering the royal wedding. Our editors would like to remind you that there are more important events occurring in our country and around the world that require our attention.

We do not want to downplay the importance of a Hollywood actress getting married for the second time to a man that will never be king. It is important that we take their vows with all seriousness. Yes, every rival media outlet wanted to make sure you had the opportunity to waste your day by watching a wedding ceremony.

The mainstream media didn't want to distract you with news about another school shooting. They wanted to take a Saturday off and pay tribute to an antiquated system of government that is about as relevant and important as a sloth scratching its belly on live tv.

We don't regret our choices, but we do wish you a fond day.

Thank you!

Editorial Staff of The Daily Town Fool

Taxpayers Brace Themselves for Tax Break Postcards from GOP

New York, NY--Millions of taxpayers are bracing themselves for the eventual day they receive their tax break postcard in the mail. Congress hasn't decided if they want to go with a glossy or matte finish for the postcards, but they hope to have them in the mail by Christmas. These postcards are more an of a symbolic gesture so the taxpayers can have something to remind them that they still need to pay a lot on their taxes.

Officials Hand Ohio Championship

Indianapolis, IN--Officials can make some really bad calls, and they can stop momentum with a call or noncall. In a championship game, they don't want to make the call that causes fans to call foul. The Badgers were driving late in the game and officials decided it was time to call holding on one team and not holding on the other team. The Badgers got flagged for holding, and the call holding call should have been wiped out by the no-call on Ohio State for pass interference. Ohio State's Kendel assaulted  Danny Davis III on the same play. "We only saw a hold on the Badgers and we weren't watching the receivers because we wanted to let the players play the way they saw fit. How were we to know that people were going to be mad at us for not calling pass interference? I'm not really sure we got the holding call right on that play," an anonymous field judge told reporters after the game. The Badgers did have their chances but seemed to never regain their confidence after the holding call. The appeared to make the Badgers offensive line gunshy when it came to blocking and allowed Ohio State's defense the chance to cheat its way to a cheap win on the backs of onesided officiating when the game really mattered and officials wanted to make sure they covered the points in Vegas.

Packers' Hundley Confident This Is His Weekend

Green Bay, WI--Brett Hundley is eager to throw some passes to his Packers teammates. He is also excited for the opportunity to throw the ball on time. "Yeah, last week I stood in the pocket like I wasn't being rushed by a good defense. I also watched the video and saw what I did wrong so this week will be different, I hope," Hundley told reporters. He is under a lot of pressure to win and would like to give other NFL teams a chance to see why he is a worthy backup on their team. He hasn't played like a starter, and his stock is sinking with every week he starts. "I should be playing better, but this week might be different because the Steelers are old and the game is late at night, so hopefully they will be tired and I can take advantage of their sluggishness," Hundley added.

Fifty Million Dollar Man

New York, NY-- Roger Goodell is looking to become one of the richest men in the NFL, and he is only asking for a cool $50 million for his services. He is steadfast and always looking out for the brand. Sure, players, star players, are falling by the wayside from injuries brought on by the carousel of ever-changing rules that he likes to tout as game-changing but the changes don't offer any protection for the players.

How do you reward such a hard worker? How about you give the guy lifetime use of a private jet because you can't have the man flying with the common man.

How do you reward the face of the NFL brand? How about you give the man a backroom deal that stinks of a skunk and looks like a sloth, but don't forget to add the fact only a few owners will vote on it.

How do you reward a man that can't manage the anthem controversy? How about you give the commissioner more power. Sounds like a great idea for a brand losing its appeal with the public. More Goodell, please!

How do you reward a man that oversees a rating drop? How about you give that guy a contract extension. It isn't his fault ratings dropped. He is a likable guy with great ideas.

The NFL is acting like a lottery winner and not like a shrewd business person that knows that the wrong CEO can tank a company.

Coach McCarthy Thinks Hundley is Great

Green Bay, WI--Coach McCarthy is sticking with Hundley because he knows that next year they can draft a better backup quarterback. Hundley likes to play like an undrafted rookie who never played a game in the Packers' system. 

"I feel that we can get a better pick in next year’s draft if we stick with the guy. If you look at his numbers they are so impressive that we are guaranteed at least a top ten picks. He threw three interceptions that took place at times in the game that it stopped any hopes of having a good day. He also fumbled the ball away, oh, and don't forget all the sacks he took because he didn't want to throw five or six interceptions," Coach McCarthy

Hundley showed promise last weekend when he played against the lowly Bears, but he really hasn't looked that good in any of the games he played in, but the Packers look like a team looking for a good pick in the upcoming draft. They are convinced they don't need to sign a veteran quarterback or any other player that might help their team. It just isn't something the Packers believe in and look at how it is working out for them. They are in a downward spiral that they might not get out of if they don't do something drastic. 

When asked about Hundley's hesitation when it comes to throwing to open receivers, the coach said, "He isn't Aaron Rodgers. He is a fifth-round draft pick that threw a lot of interceptions in college but looked really good in preseason, so it is hard to understand why he can't throw the ball when he should."