Bears Trade Away Future

Chicago, IL--The Chicago Bears traded away their future on a pass rusher that hasn't played all preseason.

The Bears traded away 2019 and 2020 first round picks to the Raiders for Khalil Mack.

"What a great idea," a hysterical Bears' fan told reporters. "What the hell were they thinking? Our team isn't that good that they can afford to lose first round picks."

Many Bears fans were noticeably shocked and found playing in traffic.

The Bears play the Packers on September 9th so Bears fans will get their first look at Mack.

Jeff Sessions Hiding in Corner

Jeff Sessions quotes Bible and then cowers in the corner for fear God might hit him with a lightning bolt.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions quoted the passage with the hopes of appealing the fringe group of voters that like taking things out of context.

"Seperation is good." the often quoted Sessions told reporters.

God Wants Jesse Duplantis Riding First Class

New York-NY--God wants Rev. Jess Duplantis to have a private jet, and that is no lie because God never lies.

The good Rev. Jess Duplantis took to the airwaves to spread the joy of God's salvation and blessings but asked his followers to help God meet the financial needs of purchasing a private jet.

"Imagine the power of God shining on me when I show up in the ultra-private jet. The people will be in awe of this great jet. Then I will have their attention and respect." The good reverend said to the oil painting of Jesus in his office. "Jesus, hear my prayers. I need this jet so I can do things that glorify You."

The jet might seem extravagant to the rest of the world that has never flown on a private jet, but to a rich man, and a blessed man, the jet is necessary for all the private missions he makes to undeveloped countries that don't have airports.

This is a spoof story. Read at your own risk. Please leave a comment. 

NFL Gets Tough, Maybe

New York, NY--The NFL ruled today that all players will stand for the national anthem unless they get a doctors excuse.

The owners feel that is their right to do so because they feel they need to show the players whose in charge. They can't afford the embarrassment of free speech getting in the way of a poorly refereed game and an overpaid commissioner fumbling every public appearance he makes. 

"We feel it is important to show respect. It isn't like these players will even remember this in ten years," an NFL spokesman told reporters.

Sorry We Missed the Royal Wedding

Dear Reader:

This site would like to offer a sincere apology for not covering the royal wedding. Our editors would like to remind you that there are more important events occurring in our country and around the world that require our attention.

We do not want to downplay the importance of a Hollywood actress getting married for the second time to a man that will never be king. It is important that we take their vows with all seriousness. Yes, every rival media outlet wanted to make sure you had the opportunity to waste your day by watching a wedding ceremony.

The mainstream media didn't want to distract you with news about another school shooting. They wanted to take a Saturday off and pay tribute to an antiquated system of government that is about as relevant and important as a sloth scratching its belly on live tv.

We don't regret our choices, but we do wish you a fond day.

Thank you!

Editorial Staff of The Daily Town Fool

Taxpayers Brace Themselves for Tax Break Postcards from GOP

New York, NY--Millions of taxpayers are bracing themselves for the eventual day they receive their tax break postcard in the mail. Congress hasn't decided if they want to go with a glossy or matte finish for the postcards, but they hope to have them in the mail by Christmas. These postcards are more an of a symbolic gesture so the taxpayers can have something to remind them that they still need to pay a lot on their taxes.

Officials Hand Ohio Championship

Indianapolis, IN--Officials can make some really bad calls, and they can stop momentum with a call or noncall. In a championship game, they don't want to make the call that causes fans to call foul. The Badgers were driving late in the game and officials decided it was time to call holding on one team and not holding on the other team. The Badgers got flagged for holding, and the call holding call should have been wiped out by the no-call on Ohio State for pass interference. Ohio State's Kendel assaulted  Danny Davis III on the same play. "We only saw a hold on the Badgers and we weren't watching the receivers because we wanted to let the players play the way they saw fit. How were we to know that people were going to be mad at us for not calling pass interference? I'm not really sure we got the holding call right on that play," an anonymous field judge told reporters after the game. The Badgers did have their chances but seemed to never regain their confidence after the holding call. The appeared to make the Badgers offensive line gunshy when it came to blocking and allowed Ohio State's defense the chance to cheat its way to a cheap win on the backs of onesided officiating when the game really mattered and officials wanted to make sure they covered the points in Vegas.