What Happens During USO Tour Stays...

Washington D.C.--I know the pictures look bad, but I am just a guy thinking that a beautiful woman was impressed by my caveman good looks and attitudes wouldn't mind me taking a few pictures of her while she slept.

I feel bad for what I did, and not because it was exposed. I am sorry that my caveman instincts and a strange sense of humor thought it was funny to do things to women as they slept. I figured there was no way they would agree to it when they were awake, so I took advantage of my minor celebrity and posed for candid pictures of these lovely ladies as they peacefully slept.

Again, I feel bad. I have a problem, a serious problem, I am just not that funny.

Martellus Bennett Healed by Tom Brady

Ted Thompson Not Worried About Packers Defense

Green Bay, Wis--Ted Thompson planned on watching game tape this morning and taking a nap this afternoon. It is hard work imagining that he created a top-tier defense that dominates and his offense scores at will from any spot on the field. He has a habit of keeping his eyes closed and using his mind's eye to see his defense he signed playing like every player with the ball should be tackled and every pass thrown should be defended. Oh, and he enjoys seeing Clay Mathews running around the field at a speed that scares opposing offenses, and not like the Clay Mathews who really plays on the field and gets to the quarterback five seconds after the ball is thrown. "Wow, does my defense run around the field like a bunch of crazed madmen," Ted Thompson mumbled as he fell asleep at his desk. Packer officials aren't sure if Ted is in denial that he wasted some of Aaron Rodgers best years and that is why he spends his afternoons pretending his legacy isn't tarnished by his inability to find young defenders that know what it means to stop an opposing offense.

Citizens of Sheboygan County Can't Wait for Another Kohler Golf Course

Taking Your Land, WI--The citizens of Sheboygan county can't wait for another golf course from the Kohler company. They are so excited that their once beautiful woods and part of their state park will soon become a minimalist golf course that they probably won't ever get to use.

"I love it when public lands are snatched up by the elected officials of the city of Asshole, WI, I mean, Sheboygan, WI and turned over to private enterprise for the use of another golf course," an angry citizen of Sheboygan County told reporters.

Not everyone in Sheboygan County is happy that Kohler wants to disrupt Indian burial lands, build in wetlands, and disrupt a state park for his newest golf course. They are protesting this new golf course till they have exhausted every legal option.

It seems that Herbert Kohler Jr. is planning on building his newest golf course in a corner of Sheboygan County that offers breathtaking views of Lake Michigan and with the promise it will create lots of seasonal jobs for the area.

"I can't wait to be camping at my favorite campground and have to deal with even more Illinois traffic. I know that the jobs will be good and the golf course will be beautiful, but it will be sad to see this little piece of history wiped off the face of the earth for something that only really benefits Herbert Kohler Jr.," an unnamed camper at Kohler-Andrea State Park told reports.

The new golf course does promise jobs. The new golf course will bring more tax revenue to a struggling community that is hurting to get visitors and pay its bills.

"Sheboygan County will be a prime golfing destination. "Come for the Golf, But Please Don't Visit Our City" will be the new slogan.

The city of Sheboygan really doesn't have much to offer when it comes to expensive dining and nightlife. The city does offer a boardwalk along the river, some excellent smaller dinners, and a lot of small-town charm.  But with the new golf course comes that hopes of every elected official that the latest and greatest will be good for the community.

It isn't clear if the new golf course will be built because the Town of Wilson is suing the city of Sheboygan, and it looks like this issue will be settled in the courts.

NFL Puts Best Officials on Duty Sunday Night

Blindtown, NY--The NFL made sure they put the most professional officials in charge of a primetime game on Sunday night.

"We at the NFL put only the best product on the field. We never settle for less." The NFL office released in a press statement.

There is a lot of pressure on old men to keep up with the modern day athlete where even the fastest NFL lineman runs a 4.55-second 40-yard dash, while the fastest NFL official runs an 8.2-second 40-yard dash.

NFL officials also face the pressure of trying to figure out one yard when it comes to pick plays that might decide if a team scores or doesn't score. "The line of scrimmage moves when the offensive lineman move, or so it appears, so it is like really hard for some of us older guys to adjust and make the right call," an unnamed official told reporters gathered outside the Mercedes-Benz Stadium.

Another official from the Packers vs. Falcon game was caught on camera mistaking a statue of a Mercedes-Benz for a taxi.

The NFL is also quiet about the Wonderlic scores of their officials. They denied rumors that the average Wonderlic score of an NFL official is nine.

The low Wonderlic score might explain why a crew of NFL would miss a clear helmet-to-helmet hit or have a hard time explaining why they threw flags when there weren't any clear penalties.

Bunker Sales Up Since Trump Presidency

Hole-in-the-Ground, Wyme--Sales of underground bunkers are up since President Trump took office. Sales were pretty flat after Obama was elected for a second term. When Obama was elected for his first term bunker sales went up when the NRA offered a "Buy 20th Assult Rife and Recieve 30% off A 4 Family Bunker."

Things are looking up for bunker sales because of Trump's insane attitude towards the job of being president.

"People are worried again and they are starting to dig bunkers like they did during the Cold War." Jerry Garbisch from Bunker Are Us said. "I don't know if sales will stay this way, but I can tell you a lot of my customers are liberals that never dreamed of spending their own money to put a bunker in their backyard."

NFL Using Older Officials in Playoff Games a Huge Success

WhereamI, USA--The NFL was hopeful that their playoff games would have higher ratings if they put the fate of many young athletes health in the hands of senior citizens. It is clear by the lack of penalties being called as good news for ratings. 

"NFL fans want to see their favorite quarterbacks hit in the head by drug-free defenders. They want to see their favorite wide receivers held and taking cheap shots that during the regular season were called a foul," an unofficial NFL spokesman told reporters.  

The NFL is quick to deny that on-field officials are old and slow and not holding up games by waiting to hear what the league wants them to call, as was clear in the Seattle-Atlanta game when game officials appeared to be listening to someone speaking in their ears. The officials picked up a flag after the delay and acted like there was nothing nefarious by their blatant deed. These game officials also allowed Russell Wilson to take too many shots to the head. 

It appears that the NFL is using the NASCAR method of increasing viewership by allowing obvious rule violations to be ignored because ratings are more important than the health of their athletes. And they innocently or appear to innocently do it by allowing their senior citizen officials to make calls in games where they can't keep up with the young athletes on the field. 

As the games become more important, don't be surprised to see even older and slower officials not making calls, and the occasional official forgetting the new rule changes by allowing so many helmet-to-helmet hits.