Tuesday Morning Right Guard

Glendale, Ariz.—New England Patriots find ways to win, sometimes they cheat, sometimes they cheat and get away with it, and sometimes they play games against inferior opponents. On Sunday night the New England Patriots played the Arizona Cardinals and managed to eke out a victory. The Patriots did it without Tom Brady, and their starting quarterback was Jimmy Garoppolo.

“I was worried when I saw Jimmy Garoppolo take the field, and he nearly tripped over the chains on the sideline and then followed that up by going under guard and not under center. But the guy is a legend in the making. Next season he will be signing a large contract. The man is undefeated.” A drunk New England Patriots’ fan told reporters.

There are even rumors that the New England might trade Tom Brady because they are riding on the euphoria of winning a game without their star quarterback. Just remember you heard it first on this blog. Tom Brady will be traded to the Cleveland Browns if Jimmy ‘Alastor’ Garoppolo keeps winning.

It is hard to believe that a Cardinals team that played so well last year could lose to the New England team this year. Last year the Cardinals were so good that losing wasn’t something they did a lot of, and they played like a well-coached team. This year they played like the Cardinals team of the 1990s. They found almost every way to lose, and yet the vast majority of football fans seem shocked that last year’s teams didn’t show up for the game on Sunday because the reality is last year’s Cardinals team finished with a mighty blow to their ego because they lost in the Championship game and haven’t seemed to recover.

A crazy thing happened in week one, Jack Del Rio went for two and for the victory. He had about a 50 percent chance of it working. He was crazy and took the chance and won.

Tuesday Morning Right Guard has inside information that Jack Del Rio had to use the bathroom and didn’t have the bladder strength to wait for overtime to end. 

The Minnesota Vikings were saved by their defense. Shaun Hill chalked up his 17 victory as a starting quarterback. He  looked more like a starting pitcher who loaded the bases with no outs and had the middle relievers come in and save the game. Yes, that is what Minnesota’s defense did on Sunday. They stepped up and scored two touchdowns in the second half. Had it not been for the heroics of the defense, well, the Vikings would be 0-1 after week one.

Awards

Best Offensive Player: Alex Smith

Best Defensive Player: This goes to the Minnesota Vikings defense as a whole. 

Eagles Fans Are Still Dreaming

(Philadephia, PA) Eagles' fan felt like they won the Super Bowl after they beat the toughest team to lose to in the NFL, the Cleveland Browns.

"The Eagles did everything you would hope for in a winner. They started a rookie quarterback and played a team that finds so many ways to lose a game that you almost have to wonder why they even field a professional team," an unidentified Browns' fan told reporters.

It is clear that the Eagles have something to cheer about and have something to look forward this weekend because they play the Chicago Bears.

"It is our fear that Eagles fans might lose track of reality because of their early schedule, and they might become so delusional that they might really believe they have a good team," Dr. Gonzo said on his podcast on Monday morning.

Colin Kaepernick "To Sit or Not to Sit, That is the Question"

Breaking News, USA--Colin Kaepernick wants to make a statement by sitting down during the national anthem, and he did so during the pregame last Friday night, August 26th.

Why did he wait so long to make a statement? Was he hoping to help the 49ers say goodbye to a once promising talent and possibly the second string quarterback on most NFL team, after such a lack dedication for a game that made him rich?

It is clear to Colin Kaepernick why he was sitting. "I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people of people of color," Mr. Kaepernick told reporters.

"I live in a country where a promising athlete can go to the best universities in the country and graduate debt free. Oh, did I mention that I this oppressive country allows me to play college sports and get an education." Mr. Kaepernick said.

It appears that Colin Kaepernick waited until his career took a nose dive for that right moment to become a social activist.

"I lost my drive to play football, so I decided it was time for me to become a social activist, kind of because I won't be donating large portions of my salary to help the cause. I will just keep my spot on the bench warm and safe, so no large lineman or any of the other backups can get the best bench seat in the house, and I can say I am making a social statement in the process. It is a win-win for me,"Kaepernick added.

Yes, for right now his extent of social activism is limited to just sitting when the national anthem is played, but he plans on moving on to other forms of protesting. He plans on sitting whenever he sees any United States of America flag. He might even go as far as not evening playing in the NFL because he feels that is the only way things are going to change in this country.

When asked about Colin Kaepernick sitting during the national anthem, one fan had this to say about the situation. "I didn't even know the Kaepernick was even playing for the team. I don't recall seeing him play. Was he at the game?"

The 49ers were quick to point out that Colin Kaepernick has the right to protest. They won't do anything to prevent him from protesting, but they wouldn't say they plan on keeping him around for the regular season.

Chris Christie a Fine Example for Today's Troubled Youth

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R) believes he shouldn't be polite to anyone that ask questions that are hard for him to answer. He feels that he is a fine example of what a powerful politician should look like and that teachers should stop picking on the fat man.

"I feel today's youths need to learn that tough questions need the best answers, and sometimes the lame stream media just likes to get you, so that is when you should be a jerk." The rotund governor told a bunch of reporters.

When asked why he thought teachers were asking all the tough questions and not reporters, the governor had this to say: "Teachers are fine people, when they know their place in society. Those people, as I like to refer to them, are a burden on society and pain in my keister and are just picking on me because they believe I should be a noble leader and a good example to children."

He really couldn't explain why it was the teachers asking him the hard questions, but he did like the one question a reporter for Fox News asked him and that was: "What is your favorite animal?"

The governor responded with: "My favorite animal is a kitten, of course because they don't question my authority."

Great Scott Takes Money in the Dark

Honestpolitician, WI...Governor Scott Walker likes to take political contributions in the dark. He prefers not to see the large amounts of money, sometimes illegal money because that way he can feel good about the money he accepts.

The part-time governor of Wisconsin is quick to point out that he was an Eagle Scout and that his father was a pastor, so he must be a good guy when it comes to being a politician.

“I lean on the values my father taught me, you know those skills he learned as a pastor. That main skill is lean on the poor because they are the most willing to give up their money.” The governor told a group of supporters.

It isn’t clear if Scott Walker knows that just because he can’t see the money that the dirty money isn’t his problem since he accepted it. Maybe that is a soft skill Scott Walker didn’t learn because he never had to work in the real world.

Canadian Trying Running for President of United States

(Teapartypolitics--USA) It seems the birthers have gone home to roost, because Ted Cruz is here to save the day, fresh of the boat from Canada--it just arrived in Texas, you see. We have a white Canadian running for president, so the birthers can sleep easier knowing this man loves America.

Yes, you read it right, this Canadian born male is running for president of the United States. He probably won't answer questions about his birth certificate, because he believes Canada is part of the liberal part of the United States because it has socialized healthcare for its citizens.

Ted Cruz claims to be related Victor Cruz and Penelope Cruz, but doesn't like to brag.

"I am running for president because I feel it is important for us to make the United States strong again. We need someone like me, you know, tough on immigration, tough on crime, tough on the budget, and someone the founding fathers didn't want in the White House." Senator Cruz told a bunch of reporters.

Cruz went on to say that if the citizens of this great country are willing to elect him president that the country will be free of the burden of health care and people that like to get things done. He agrees the American public loves a man that doesn't do anything except yell.

Greedy Elephants Sick of Working for Peanuts

Circuslife, SW--Elephants are getting sick of working for peanuts. They are looking for the bigger pie in the sky, so to say. They are looking for pistachios and maybe a some good leafy greens to eat.

This heated labor dispute spelt the end of elephants in the circus and probably lead to one of the most notorious abuses of labor on the workforce.

It seems the demands of these elephants is just too much for Ringling Brothers Circus, so they plan on eliminating them from their show.

"It saddens us to say that theses elephants will no longer be part of  our show. There is a great tradition of elephants being part of the circus that dates back to the inception of the circus, but it is a new millennium and the elephants really are just a limited act that bores the new generation of children hoping for more entertainment.  An elephant walking around in a circle just isn't entertaining these days," a spokesman for the circus told reporters.

The elephants did not care to make a statement at this time. They were too busy working on their resumes and filling out applications to get their GEDs.