New York, NY--The NFL is sick of all these unnecessary flags for tackling, so they are going to ban tackling and now defenders will be asked to use two hands.
"We feel that tackling is bad and the two-hand touch rule will prevent the pre-Madonna quarterbacks from taking unnecessary hits. It is a win-win. Imagine your favorite quarterback playing football well into their 50s," an NFL executive told reporters.
Thursday, September 27, 2018
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
The NFL Blast Mean Tacklers
New York, NY--The NFL feels that the quarterbacks should be protected from taking any hit that might interfere with the play of the game. They also deny that these rashes of flags interfere with the game and ultimately decide some games.
The new roughing the passer rule was put in the game to prevent the quarterback from getting hurt during the season. This new rule, while clearly takes away the sack, will protect only one player and drive down the cost owners have to pay for pass rushers. It is a win-win for the NFL.
There is no clear proof that rule is equally applied to every quarterback in the NFL because of how the NFL only seems to favor some teams when it comes to the way officials call football games. Cam Newton gets hit in the head, not foul because the player didn't put any weight on the quarterback.
This wonderful new foul will lead to more free PR time for the already media starved NFL.
The new roughing the passer rule was put in the game to prevent the quarterback from getting hurt during the season. This new rule, while clearly takes away the sack, will protect only one player and drive down the cost owners have to pay for pass rushers. It is a win-win for the NFL.
There is no clear proof that rule is equally applied to every quarterback in the NFL because of how the NFL only seems to favor some teams when it comes to the way officials call football games. Cam Newton gets hit in the head, not foul because the player didn't put any weight on the quarterback.
This wonderful new foul will lead to more free PR time for the already media starved NFL.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
NFL Takes Lead in Hiring Seniors
New York, NY--The NFL is leading by example when it comes to hiring practices. They were one of the first industries to fine owners for not interviewing minorities, and now they are hiring senior citizens to officiate their football games.
"We want the best experience for our fans, so we hired officials that can't keep up with the young athletes, and that means the officials are out of position to make the calls they make, but all the positive PR from hiring seniors will make us the envy of all other industries,"
Don't worry if your favorite team loses because a geriatric official couldn't see the play because his or her bifocals fogged up. The NFL is okay with grey areas that leave fans talking about how bad the officiating is because at least they are still talking about a game that is losing a fan base.
"We want the best experience for our fans, so we hired officials that can't keep up with the young athletes, and that means the officials are out of position to make the calls they make, but all the positive PR from hiring seniors will make us the envy of all other industries,"
Don't worry if your favorite team loses because a geriatric official couldn't see the play because his or her bifocals fogged up. The NFL is okay with grey areas that leave fans talking about how bad the officiating is because at least they are still talking about a game that is losing a fan base.
Monday, September 17, 2018
NFL Bans Tackling Quarterback
New York, NY--The NFL is ruling that is it is now illegal to tackle the quarterback.
"There seems to be a misunderstanding of what a tackle is because of Clay Mathews tackling Kirk Cousins. Mathews tackled the quarterback in a way that looked like it was a textbook form of what a tackle is, but isn't allowed when it comes to the expensive quarterbacks," an NFL official told reporters.
The NFL plans to send out tapes to teams to pointing out what is acceptable when it comes to tackling an expensive quarterback.
It isn't true that the NFL plans on eliminating tackling the quarterback. It is just that the common fan doesn't understand the NFL Laws of Physics.
"We can't afford to have franchise quarterbacks getting hurt because we all know that in the NFL the backup quarterback isn't worth the price of admission." an NFL representative told this fine blog.
"There seems to be a misunderstanding of what a tackle is because of Clay Mathews tackling Kirk Cousins. Mathews tackled the quarterback in a way that looked like it was a textbook form of what a tackle is, but isn't allowed when it comes to the expensive quarterbacks," an NFL official told reporters.
The NFL plans to send out tapes to teams to pointing out what is acceptable when it comes to tackling an expensive quarterback.
It isn't true that the NFL plans on eliminating tackling the quarterback. It is just that the common fan doesn't understand the NFL Laws of Physics.
"We can't afford to have franchise quarterbacks getting hurt because we all know that in the NFL the backup quarterback isn't worth the price of admission." an NFL representative told this fine blog.
NFL to Protect the Expensive Quaterbacks
New York, NY--The NFL is putting the league on notice. If you so much as sneeze on a quarterback making $12 million or more a year, the defender will be penalized.
It all started when a disoriented Tony Corrente threw a flag on Clay Mathews for a personal foul. He threw the flag when Kurt Cousins got hit a little too hard. Tony being a compassionate guy felt it was the right time to throw the flag.
Tony had a rough game. He had a hard time remember what a lot of the penalties were during the game. There were a couple times when he looked confused and needed other officials to tell him what to say.
"Tony is the ultimate professional. He never drinks alcohol during the game and makes sure to call the game the way he sees, even if he doesn't understand what a tackle is or should look like," an unnamed NFL executive told this quality blog.
The NFL puts out a quality product and they stick by the calls of their aging and confused officials. They don't see the harm in an official making a bad call when the game is on the line or if it looks like an official might have money on the game.
The longterm plan for the NFL owners is to hire officials from the WWE so fans will understand why the call doesn't match the rule.
It all started when a disoriented Tony Corrente threw a flag on Clay Mathews for a personal foul. He threw the flag when Kurt Cousins got hit a little too hard. Tony being a compassionate guy felt it was the right time to throw the flag.
Tony had a rough game. He had a hard time remember what a lot of the penalties were during the game. There were a couple times when he looked confused and needed other officials to tell him what to say.
"Tony is the ultimate professional. He never drinks alcohol during the game and makes sure to call the game the way he sees, even if he doesn't understand what a tackle is or should look like," an unnamed NFL executive told this quality blog.
The NFL puts out a quality product and they stick by the calls of their aging and confused officials. They don't see the harm in an official making a bad call when the game is on the line or if it looks like an official might have money on the game.
The longterm plan for the NFL owners is to hire officials from the WWE so fans will understand why the call doesn't match the rule.
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Oliver North Caught Arming Deer
It didn't take long for Oliver North to revert to bad habits. He was caught selling arms to the deer heard in Wyoming.
It isn't clear if he will face any backlash from this incident, but it is clear that he was doing it to create revenue for the almost bankrupt NRA.
"I did what I thought would help the NRA. History shows I can do anything I want to do." North told Fake News.
Oliver North did deny that he is working with the Russians to arm feral cats.
Saturday, September 1, 2018
Bears Trade Away Future
Chicago, IL--The Chicago Bears traded away their future on a pass rusher that hasn't played all preseason.
The Bears traded away 2019 and 2020 first round picks to the Raiders for Khalil Mack.
"What a great idea," a hysterical Bears' fan told reporters. "What the hell were they thinking? Our team isn't that good that they can afford to lose first round picks."
Many Bears fans were noticeably shocked and found playing in traffic.
The Bears play the Packers on September 9th so Bears fans will get their first look at Mack.
The Bears traded away 2019 and 2020 first round picks to the Raiders for Khalil Mack.
"What a great idea," a hysterical Bears' fan told reporters. "What the hell were they thinking? Our team isn't that good that they can afford to lose first round picks."
Many Bears fans were noticeably shocked and found playing in traffic.
The Bears play the Packers on September 9th so Bears fans will get their first look at Mack.
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