Citizens of Sheboygan County Can't Wait for Another Kohler Golf Course

Taking Your Land, WI--The citizens of Sheboygan county can't wait for another golf course from the Kohler company. They are so excited that their once beautiful woods and part of their state park will soon become a minimalist golf course that they probably won't ever get to use.

"I love it when public lands are snatched up by the elected officials of the city of Asshole, WI, I mean, Sheboygan, WI and turned over to private enterprise for the use of another golf course," an angry citizen of Sheboygan County told reporters.

Not everyone in Sheboygan County is happy that Kohler wants to disrupt Indian burial lands, build in wetlands, and disrupt a state park for his newest golf course. They are protesting this new golf course till they have exhausted every legal option.

It seems that Herbert Kohler Jr. is planning on building his newest golf course in a corner of Sheboygan County that offers breathtaking views of Lake Michigan and with the promise it will create lots of seasonal jobs for the area.

"I can't wait to be camping at my favorite campground and have to deal with even more Illinois traffic. I know that the jobs will be good and the golf course will be beautiful, but it will be sad to see this little piece of history wiped off the face of the earth for something that only really benefits Herbert Kohler Jr.," an unnamed camper at Kohler-Andrea State Park told reports.

The new golf course does promise jobs. The new golf course will bring more tax revenue to a struggling community that is hurting to get visitors and pay its bills.

"Sheboygan County will be a prime golfing destination. "Come for the Golf, But Please Don't Visit Our City" will be the new slogan.

The city of Sheboygan really doesn't have much to offer when it comes to expensive dining and nightlife. The city does offer a boardwalk along the river, some excellent smaller dinners, and a lot of small-town charm.  But with the new golf course comes that hopes of every elected official that the latest and greatest will be good for the community.

It isn't clear if the new golf course will be built because the Town of Wilson is suing the city of Sheboygan, and it looks like this issue will be settled in the courts.

NFL Puts Best Officials on Duty Sunday Night

Blindtown, NY--The NFL made sure they put the most professional officials in charge of a primetime game on Sunday night.

"We at the NFL put only the best product on the field. We never settle for less." The NFL office released in a press statement.

There is a lot of pressure on old men to keep up with the modern day athlete where even the fastest NFL lineman runs a 4.55-second 40-yard dash, while the fastest NFL official runs an 8.2-second 40-yard dash.

NFL officials also face the pressure of trying to figure out one yard when it comes to pick plays that might decide if a team scores or doesn't score. "The line of scrimmage moves when the offensive lineman move, or so it appears, so it is like really hard for some of us older guys to adjust and make the right call," an unnamed official told reporters gathered outside the Mercedes-Benz Stadium.

Another official from the Packers vs. Falcon game was caught on camera mistaking a statue of a Mercedes-Benz for a taxi.

The NFL is also quiet about the Wonderlic scores of their officials. They denied rumors that the average Wonderlic score of an NFL official is nine.

The low Wonderlic score might explain why a crew of NFL would miss a clear helmet-to-helmet hit or have a hard time explaining why they threw flags when there weren't any clear penalties.

Bunker Sales Up Since Trump Presidency

Hole-in-the-Ground, Wyme--Sales of underground bunkers are up since President Trump took office. Sales were pretty flat after Obama was elected for a second term. When Obama was elected for his first term bunker sales went up when the NRA offered a "Buy 20th Assult Rife and Recieve 30% off A 4 Family Bunker."

Things are looking up for bunker sales because of Trump's insane attitude towards the job of being president.

"People are worried again and they are starting to dig bunkers like they did during the Cold War." Jerry Garbisch from Bunker Are Us said. "I don't know if sales will stay this way, but I can tell you a lot of my customers are liberals that never dreamed of spending their own money to put a bunker in their backyard."

NFL Using Older Officials in Playoff Games a Huge Success

WhereamI, USA--The NFL was hopeful that their playoff games would have higher ratings if they put the fate of many young athletes health in the hands of senior citizens. It is clear by the lack of penalties being called as good news for ratings. 

"NFL fans want to see their favorite quarterbacks hit in the head by drug-free defenders. They want to see their favorite wide receivers held and taking cheap shots that during the regular season were called a foul," an unofficial NFL spokesman told reporters.  

The NFL is quick to deny that on-field officials are old and slow and not holding up games by waiting to hear what the league wants them to call, as was clear in the Seattle-Atlanta game when game officials appeared to be listening to someone speaking in their ears. The officials picked up a flag after the delay and acted like there was nothing nefarious by their blatant deed. These game officials also allowed Russell Wilson to take too many shots to the head. 

It appears that the NFL is using the NASCAR method of increasing viewership by allowing obvious rule violations to be ignored because ratings are more important than the health of their athletes. And they innocently or appear to innocently do it by allowing their senior citizen officials to make calls in games where they can't keep up with the young athletes on the field. 

As the games become more important, don't be surprised to see even older and slower officials not making calls, and the occasional official forgetting the new rule changes by allowing so many helmet-to-helmet hits. 

Tuesday Morning Right Guard

Glendale, Ariz.—New England Patriots find ways to win, sometimes they cheat, sometimes they cheat and get away with it, and sometimes they play games against inferior opponents. On Sunday night the New England Patriots played the Arizona Cardinals and managed to eke out a victory. The Patriots did it without Tom Brady, and their starting quarterback was Jimmy Garoppolo.

“I was worried when I saw Jimmy Garoppolo take the field, and he nearly tripped over the chains on the sideline and then followed that up by going under guard and not under center. But the guy is a legend in the making. Next season he will be signing a large contract. The man is undefeated.” A drunk New England Patriots’ fan told reporters.

There are even rumors that the New England might trade Tom Brady because they are riding on the euphoria of winning a game without their star quarterback. Just remember you heard it first on this blog. Tom Brady will be traded to the Cleveland Browns if Jimmy ‘Alastor’ Garoppolo keeps winning.

It is hard to believe that a Cardinals team that played so well last year could lose to the New England team this year. Last year the Cardinals were so good that losing wasn’t something they did a lot of, and they played like a well-coached team. This year they played like the Cardinals team of the 1990s. They found almost every way to lose, and yet the vast majority of football fans seem shocked that last year’s teams didn’t show up for the game on Sunday because the reality is last year’s Cardinals team finished with a mighty blow to their ego because they lost in the Championship game and haven’t seemed to recover.

A crazy thing happened in week one, Jack Del Rio went for two and for the victory. He had about a 50 percent chance of it working. He was crazy and took the chance and won.

Tuesday Morning Right Guard has inside information that Jack Del Rio had to use the bathroom and didn’t have the bladder strength to wait for overtime to end. 

The Minnesota Vikings were saved by their defense. Shaun Hill chalked up his 17 victory as a starting quarterback. He  looked more like a starting pitcher who loaded the bases with no outs and had the middle relievers come in and save the game. Yes, that is what Minnesota’s defense did on Sunday. They stepped up and scored two touchdowns in the second half. Had it not been for the heroics of the defense, well, the Vikings would be 0-1 after week one.

Awards

Best Offensive Player: Alex Smith

Best Defensive Player: This goes to the Minnesota Vikings defense as a whole. 

Eagles Fans Are Still Dreaming

(Philadephia, PA) Eagles' fan felt like they won the Super Bowl after they beat the toughest team to lose to in the NFL, the Cleveland Browns.

"The Eagles did everything you would hope for in a winner. They started a rookie quarterback and played a team that finds so many ways to lose a game that you almost have to wonder why they even field a professional team," an unidentified Browns' fan told reporters.

It is clear that the Eagles have something to cheer about and have something to look forward this weekend because they play the Chicago Bears.

"It is our fear that Eagles fans might lose track of reality because of their early schedule, and they might become so delusional that they might really believe they have a good team," Dr. Gonzo said on his podcast on Monday morning.

Colin Kaepernick "To Sit or Not to Sit, That is the Question"

Breaking News, USA--Colin Kaepernick wants to make a statement by sitting down during the national anthem, and he did so during the pregame last Friday night, August 26th.

Why did he wait so long to make a statement? Was he hoping to help the 49ers say goodbye to a once promising talent and possibly the second string quarterback on most NFL team, after such a lack dedication for a game that made him rich?

It is clear to Colin Kaepernick why he was sitting. "I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people of people of color," Mr. Kaepernick told reporters.

"I live in a country where a promising athlete can go to the best universities in the country and graduate debt free. Oh, did I mention that I this oppressive country allows me to play college sports and get an education." Mr. Kaepernick said.

It appears that Colin Kaepernick waited until his career took a nose dive for that right moment to become a social activist.

"I lost my drive to play football, so I decided it was time for me to become a social activist, kind of because I won't be donating large portions of my salary to help the cause. I will just keep my spot on the bench warm and safe, so no large lineman or any of the other backups can get the best bench seat in the house, and I can say I am making a social statement in the process. It is a win-win for me,"Kaepernick added.

Yes, for right now his extent of social activism is limited to just sitting when the national anthem is played, but he plans on moving on to other forms of protesting. He plans on sitting whenever he sees any United States of America flag. He might even go as far as not evening playing in the NFL because he feels that is the only way things are going to change in this country.

When asked about Colin Kaepernick sitting during the national anthem, one fan had this to say about the situation. "I didn't even know the Kaepernick was even playing for the team. I don't recall seeing him play. Was he at the game?"

The 49ers were quick to point out that Colin Kaepernick has the right to protest. They won't do anything to prevent him from protesting, but they wouldn't say they plan on keeping him around for the regular season.