Cat Misses Mouse

 Local cat, Bandit, misses the mouse she was just playing with. The mouse who soon went missing after playing with the cat could not be reached for comment. Locals believe the cat might have something to do with the missing mouse. 

Not Your Average Cat Lady

This beautiful and funny professional single woman seeks a partner who likes reading by the fire, making me breakfast, long walks in the country, and is grateful for my quick wit. You must have a crush on Jason Momoa, know how to fix things, drive a boat, carry on a conversation, like introverts, and be corrected when you do something wrong.

I do ask that you be the second generation to walk upright, so NO TRUMPERS.

I'm not looking for a man who gets seasick or thinks the government controls the weather.

You should also know how to use a broom and dustpan. If you can’t clean a toilet, swipe left. If you like being on time, swipe left. If you like Seinfeld, please swipe left. If you like to travel, swipe right and we will talk.

Charissa Thompson Knows Where Hoffa Is

 Charissa Thompson claims that she knows where Hoffa is buried. She said her reliable source Charissa Thompson learned about Hoffa's location while she was doing her sideline duties early in her career. She is finally going public with it because she wants to be taken seriously as a reporter and not a social media influencer. 

South Park to Redo Trapped in the Closet

South Park announced that it will be adding an extra character in "Trapped in the Closet" on this season's DVD boxset.  They want to make sure it includes Will Smith because of the inspiration they received from the 94th Academy Awards.  

Clay Matthews Pulls Hamstring Grumbling About Packers

Clay Matthews pulled a hamstring while trying to make a tweet about the #Packers giving his old number to a rookie.

"I played like a legend for Green Bay, sure, I wasn't very productive my last two years in Green Bay, but still, I deserve better treatment from a team that I no longer work for," Matthews told reporters.

Scott Walker Using Unused Vacation Days

Madison, WI--Scott Walker is using some unused vacation days before his term ends. It came to his knowledge that he still had vacation days to use.

"Despite all the hype and hysteria of me working until the end of my term, these vacations do nothing to fundamentally change my previous statements." Scott Walker told reporters.

Scott Walker worked tirelessly for the taxpayers for Wisconsin by saving them about $50 on their property tax bills, and that is about it.

"My criteria when evaluating vacation days was simple: Do they improve my health? Do they increase my productivity? Do they affirm my stability? And do they protect taxpayers? The answer is yes." Governor Walker told reporters.

Great Scott Using Venn Diagram

Green Bay, WI--Scott Walker relied on a Venn diagram to make his point that the bill he signed is what the voters of Wisconsin asked for four years ago, he was just too busy running for president in 2016 to get around to it until now. , 

"I'm going to work for the state until my term is up. Sure, if I would of become president in 2016 that would be a different story, but I'm not bitter." Scott Walker told his supporters.

Nobody loves smaller government more than a bunch of career politicians mooching off the taxpayers of Wisconsin because they sure seem worried about a job agency that has a record of being a phony and waste of taxpayer dollars, so they are doing everything in their power to make sure more taxpayer money is wasted on companies not creating jobs.

"In the year 2043, the state will see a great return on the money we handed out to Foxconn and people will thank me for having the courage to make sure small government subsidies big business. Can I get a big 'Thank You' from the crowd?" Scott Walker so elegantly spoke into his microphone.

The crowd just rose to their feet after hearing the pure political speak from the man they thought might become president. Old men wept, young men wept, but no women wept because of Republican rules barring women from attending the meeting.

In an orchestrated career politician moment, Scott Walker signed the Venn diagram and threw it into the crowd.

"Man, he knows how to go out in style," Scott Walker muttered to himself.