Not Your Average Cat Lady

This beautiful and funny professional single woman seeks a partner who likes reading by the fire, making me breakfast, long walks in the country, and is grateful for my quick wit. You must have a crush on Jason Momoa, know how to fix things, drive a boat, carry on a conversation, like introverts, and be corrected when you do something wrong.

I do ask that you be the second generation to walk upright, so NO TRUMPERS.

I'm not looking for a man who gets seasick or thinks the government controls the weather.

You should also know how to use a broom and dustpan. If you can’t clean a toilet, swipe left. If you like being on time, swipe left. If you like Seinfeld, please swipe left. If you like to travel, swipe right and we will talk.

Clay Matthews Pulls Hamstring Grumbling About Packers

Clay Matthews pulled a hamstring while trying to make a tweet about the #Packers giving his old number to a rookie.

"I played like a legend for Green Bay, sure, I wasn't very productive my last two years in Green Bay, but still, I deserve better treatment from a team that I no longer work for," Matthews told reporters.

Scott Walker Using Unused Vacation Days

Madison, WI--Scott Walker is using some unused vacation days before his term ends. It came to his knowledge that he still had vacation days to use.

"Despite all the hype and hysteria of me working until the end of my term, these vacations do nothing to fundamentally change my previous statements." Scott Walker told reporters.

Scott Walker worked tirelessly for the taxpayers for Wisconsin by saving them about $50 on their property tax bills, and that is about it.

"My criteria when evaluating vacation days was simple: Do they improve my health? Do they increase my productivity? Do they affirm my stability? And do they protect taxpayers? The answer is yes." Governor Walker told reporters.

Great Scott Using Venn Diagram

Green Bay, WI--Scott Walker relied on a Venn diagram to make his point that the bill he signed is what the voters of Wisconsin asked for four years ago, he was just too busy running for president in 2016 to get around to it until now. , 

"I'm going to work for the state until my term is up. Sure, if I would of become president in 2016 that would be a different story, but I'm not bitter." Scott Walker told his supporters.

Nobody loves smaller government more than a bunch of career politicians mooching off the taxpayers of Wisconsin because they sure seem worried about a job agency that has a record of being a phony and waste of taxpayer dollars, so they are doing everything in their power to make sure more taxpayer money is wasted on companies not creating jobs.

"In the year 2043, the state will see a great return on the money we handed out to Foxconn and people will thank me for having the courage to make sure small government subsidies big business. Can I get a big 'Thank You' from the crowd?" Scott Walker so elegantly spoke into his microphone.

The crowd just rose to their feet after hearing the pure political speak from the man they thought might become president. Old men wept, young men wept, but no women wept because of Republican rules barring women from attending the meeting.

In an orchestrated career politician moment, Scott Walker signed the Venn diagram and threw it into the crowd.

"Man, he knows how to go out in style," Scott Walker muttered to himself.

Scott Walker Lectures Sons on Power Grab

Madison, WI--Scott Walker just can't turn off the political speak as he lectured his son on the beauty of the power grab.

"When you lose, sons, go out swinging. Take everything you can and make it harder for the next guy. That is the right thing to do," Scott Walker told his sons.

The lecture came after his son questioned the ethics of his father's decision to back the power grab.

"Gee, shucks, dad, didn't you tell us to be gracious and Christlike when it comes to our actions? What is up with you doing the opposite?" Alex Walker asked his dad.

Governor Walker continued to explain to his sons the reasons for doing it and how it will help him when he runs for governor is 2022.

"Evers doesn't stand a chance and now I positioned myself so I can run a campaign in 2022 that promises to restore the powers I stripped away from the governor and attorney general."

At press time, Walker's sons had left the room but he was still lecturing on all the reasons for being in favor of the power grab.

Scott Walker Uses Man-Child As Human Shield

Madison, WI--Scott Walker tried to use a human shield to protect himself from the criticism for playing politics with the laws of Wisconsin.

"It is shocking that a man that is known for his integrity and goodwill would use a man-child as a human shield," Paul Fitzgerald a retired government employee told reporters gathering in the capital rotunda.

Scott Walker got heckled as he helped flip the switch to the state Christmas tree.

But unlike years ago when Governor Walker got heckled, he grabbed a man-child and tried to use him as a human shield.

"You brutes," Scott Walker yelled at the protestors, as he held the man-child up with the hopes the protestors would stop. He failed to realize the man-child was Robin Vos, so the crowd only grew more vociferous.

The governor did eventually slip down a secret passageway and took to Twitter to complain about all the heckling.

"I hope you protestors get coal in your socks this Christmas." Walker tweeted. "I'm just doing what I said I would do eight years ago."

Wisconsin Republicans Just Realized Governor Has Too Much Power

Madison, WI--Republicans in the state legislature just realized the governor has too much power. It only took them ten years to get to work and change it. The move has nothing to do with the perceived fear of a Democrat shrinking government by getting rid of a department that isn't needed.

State Assembly Leader Robin Vos said, "We have allowed far too much authority to flow to the executive. To you, this is all about politics. To me, it's about the institution."

The institution sounds like a nice catchphrase for a place were people panic and do things that are borderline unethical.